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I have a few friends who have twins. I'd like to say that their advice and counsel has calmed me. At times, I suppose, it has. However, I look at these women and think, "But I'm no _______. She's way better at this than I could ever hope to be." Therein, lies my problem, I suppose: comparison. Some comparison isn't necessarily bad, but the self-loathing, I'm-going-to-eat-my-weight-in-Oreos kind of comparison is probably best left untouched.
During an overly dramatic, hormonal sob fest yesterday afternoon, I really let myself get as stupid as humanly possible. I thought about all of the kick-a** women in my life who make me look like Darth Vader. I mean, come on. A lot of us know Ellie Mae, and that chick is a killer mom and she looks like a supermodel doing it. That woman hasn't perfected the top knot look like I have because she is always perfectly quaffed. I need whatever she's on.
I will be the first to tell you that I am 100% totally freaking terrified to have twins. I never planned on being a twin mom. Obviously. I think I'm making it just fine as a mom to the one I have. The inevitably that I will have multiple children that I have to bring home from the hospital and keep alive is terrifying. On top of the outrageous amount of hormones rushing through my body at any given second, I know that that part will end, but when it ends, it means that I have TWO infants to care for and feed from my body. (Typing that sentence just made me need to take a deep breath.)
I wish I could tell you that I am blissfully headed out for a #dailyTargetrun, smiling as I grab baby boy clothes and fill my cart, but in the cold, dark reality, I am skerred. Like, more scared than I have ever been in my life. I was scared when I had Maddie, but I was also blissfully unaware of all that goes into keeping those wee ones alive (Josh tells me this isn't true - he says we were both totally scared. I guess time has a way of making those feelings fuzzy). Most days, I really think God picked the wrong girl to have these boys. I could list 10 other women in my life that would be killer at this, no problem, hands down. I have a thing about shaving my legs everyday. I'm guessing smooth, shaved legs will be much farther down on the list of priorities once the twinks are here.
Maybe I will look back on this post in 5 years and laugh at the naive girl who sat in her dark bedroom in sweats while pouring out her scared little heart. I hope so. I hope I can look back and think, "Well, gosh, it just wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." Inevitably, I'm betting on that. Beneath the THICK layer of fear and uncertainty is the voice that says, "This is your job. You're going to do it, you're going to do it well, and you're going to look really hot doing it." My mom and mother-in-law both inspire me because this was them. My mom had to raise two girls in the midst of grieving the death of her brother. She got up everyday and had to decide to be a really good mom. My mother-in-law raised two boys on her own. No help at all, but she got up every morning and was a really good mom. I can't even claim either of these two scenarios. I'm just a mom, having twins, in a fairly normal family. I'm just scared. I'm outnumbered. And what if they're all smarter than I am? Then, I'm super screwed.
Is this a pity party? Nah. I'm sure many will judge me for not being so self-assured and farting rainbows, but that's just not my reality. My world is about to change in every sense of the word. It'll be a good change, and at some point, I won't be able to imagine my life without these two boys (just like it is with Maddie).