The BEST Bachelorette Finale Recap EVER

We did it, people. We made it through the MOST PAINFUL season in Bachelorette history. We watched Andi make out with about 20 different men, saw more scarves than are in a Gap store, and we watched her stalker make a complete a$$ of himself on live television. I mean, 3 ingredients for some great entertainment.

Chris Harrison opens the show by letting us know that Andi has a stalker. Her scorned lover has followed her around, trying to get in contact with her and she has refused. Stalking is illegal, Nick. #restrainingorder

The crowd goes wild.

Nick finally meets Andi's parents. Her mom comments that he isn't very affectionate. Her dad looks less than amused. We have the awkward, obligatory "I'd like to marry your daughter" talk. Hy consents. Congratulations, you just agreed to let a serial killer marry your daughter.

Josh's turn. Let me stop & say I sweat like a 300lb man. Like, I am a sweat-er. And Josh. Wow. He came in like he'd just been caught in a downpour. So, they sit down & immediately entwine their bodies with each other. "Baaabe!" I mean, if there was any doubt that she was going to choose Josh, that was squashed in this episode. He asks to marry her. Hy says yes again. He's clearly ready to get rid of this girl.

Later that night, Josh talks about his two great loves: baseball & Andi. Let me just say that during this finale, I sat with a room full of girlfriends & the main topic was "WHAT THE HELL DOES JOSH ACTUALLY DO FOR A LIVING??" A former pro-baseball player does not a career make. He's going to marry her. He gives her a baseball card with his stats. I mean, ok, it was kind of cute, but for the love of all that is holy! We get it. You love baseball. You live in your glory days. MOVE.ON.

"I spend more time thinking about what could go wrong than what could go right." That's because you're on The Bachelorette. Eggs have a longer shelf life than these "relationships."

Final date with Nick. "Hopefully, today will be a day I never forget." Famous last words.

"It feels good to just let my hair down & have fun {with Nick}." Your hair is in a braid.

"I love her in ways I never thought I'd love somebody." I would love to tie her up in my basement.

"When I spend time with Nick, it makes me think things I've never thought before." Like, that I should carry pepper spray.

That night, Nick talks & hems & haws about being nervous & confident. He's ready. He's going to propose. Grumpy Cat sits & listens to him yammer on.

"I don't really know if Josh is still in the picture." He's in the next bungalow, dude.

"I woke up the morning I got engaged & something wasn't right."  I didn't have my scarf!

Andi knows what she's going to do. She's going to tell one of them he's not right for her.

"My gut tells me I'm going to do what is in my heart." ...mmmkay...?

Andi knocks on Nick's door. And it was the gasp heard 'round the world.

"When I told you I loved you, and you looked at me the way you do sometimes, and the way you respond to me took it that you meant it." It's called acting.

"Sometimes I feel like you took it too far." See above notes.

"When we were in the water & I told you I loved you, and you said 'I wish I could say things back.'" Like, you terrify me.

And he slams the roses into the trash like a temper tantrum.

How did they make it rain right after that??! Aaaand scene.

Proposal time.

Whoever measured Josh must have been drinking. That suit was about to explode. I was pretty sure we'd hear a giant riiiiip when he finally hugged her.

The first words out of Josh's mouth: "Andi, when I decided to give up my first love: baseball. I didn't know if I'd be able to find that kind of love." True love is loving someone as much as you love baseball.

Worst response ever. We're all pretty sure she is going to dump him on the ugliest proposal site Bach has ever built.

Looking at her ring: "ah, are you serious?" And we all shouted: "HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!"

Sitting against the backdrop of a sunset, we watch JODI (Josh + Andi) share disgusto barfo PDA.

Stay tuned for the After The Rose Recap...I should shower, at least, before I start in on that mess.


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