The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Read | Week 9

It's fantasy suite week! We KNOW Chris is excited. "If I'm gonna feel confident in getting on one knee & proposing to someone, I'm gonna need to make sure she knows how to operate my farming equipment." 

Kaitlyn

"I'm feeling the feelings you have when you are falling in love." In what appears to be the sweatiest place in the world, Chris meets up with Kaitlyn to balance baskets on their heads & to film Outbreak 2 with 48975938745 monkeys. "I wish I could be more like a monkey." Yes, don't we all.

"I'm feeling a lot of feelings towards you, and I feel like all these feelings are scary, but it feels good."

"I am extremely excited for this night not to end." I'm guessing he needed to sit for a minute before getting up to head to this night's romp.

Whitney

In typical Bachelor fashion, one couple has to do the cursory tiny bikini boat jump, and really, thank God they finally jump because my ears are bleeding listening to her squeaking on about her overprotective sister and how she's in love with Chris and yada yada yada. I think Chris suggested jumping in the water just to get her to shut up.

"Going into this you have a lot on your mind: boobs."

Back to beating a dead horse, Chris asks Whitney about moving to Arlington & asks her for the 459873957397 time if she's ok with moving there. My one disadvantage is that I didn't see it." "It's...really small." That's what she said.

"I have worked so hard for my career and it's my whole life, but I want to have your babies, so let's move to the middle of nowhere and multiply like rabbits."

"Life takes you places and it's not where you are, but who you're with." I hope you're excited about using outhouses, oils lamps & washing your clothes in a bucket outside.

Becca

Is she wearing pleather shorts?!

Another pervy guru is asked about the dates."We have a big date tonight. What should we do?" 

"Definitely go at it, facing west." Because facing west makes all the difference in my sex life.

Definitely wait until this man is ready to search in his wallet for a prophylactic before you tell him you want to wait to have sex. "I do have something I need to share with you...I'm a man virgin."

And then Chris' brain breaks & he doesn't say a word for about 10 minutes.

"I...um...it's never easy to respond...I...um...I respect that...in a lot of ways...but I'm also annoyed."

"His response was perfect." Yes, that was perfect. He stammered and sputtered for 10 minutes before admitting defeat. Pitter pat goes my heart.

Rose Ceremony

The geishas are all lined up waiting for imminent rejection. In an obvious effort to confuse the audience, Chris takes Becca aside to beat around the bush about nothing. Meanwhile, Minnie Mouse & Canada are snickering about Becca leaving & how they are getting the roses. "My gut tells me he's telling her goodbye." I think you're mistaking hunger for intuition. 

Whitney gets a rose. The virgin gets the rose because he couldn't not give the virgin a rose. Canada heads home after her stomach told her Becca was going home. 

In an effort to help Canada understand what went wrong, Chris offers up this intellectual answer: "There's certain things I don't even understand right now. This has been the most excruciating week of my entire week. I have to make a gut decision that makes no sense, and not know if this is even the right decision. I knew there would be no absolute right decision. I don't know if this is the right thing. This has been excruciating." Yes, for once, Chris, I agree with you. This.is.excruciating.

Cue: angry, sobbing, snotty car ride where the scorned lover whines about how he made the wrong decision and he will regret this.

/end scene

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 7, Part 2

This week, Bachelor fans were forced to sit through 5 hours of material. I don't know about you, but some people have lives. I'm not one of them, but I have heard that some people do.

We resume where we left off with Chris pissed at Britt's hissy fit, Becca freaking over her virginity, and the girls all spinning out. Same shit, different day.

"That's it. I'm leaving. There's nothing Chris could say to make me stay. I don't think. I mean, maybe he could tell me he loves me & then I'll stay, but no. I'm leaving. My bags are packed. There's only a 1% chance I'll stay. I will get dressed up and attend the rose ceremony, but I will have to make a scene to let him know I'm leaving for good, unless he proposes to me on the spot, but really, I'm leaving. I think." 

Whitney: "You are beautiful, but looks aren't everything." You mean there has to be something besides a pretty face? I'm confused.

Cocktail party is cancelled & everyone freaks. "There's no cocktail party. I don't know what I'm going to do." #firstworldproblems

Britt: "Let me apologize for being a psychotic bitch. Please tell me you love me and let's go get married. And if you want to say anything to me...?"

Chris: "Seems like you're a liar."

Britt: "It doesn't matter what I said. Carly hates me. I know I said that I couldn't live in Arlington, but that doesn't matter because it was Carly's fault. I'm just so surprised that Carly stabbed me in the back even though I said what I said. Why would she do that to me? This is all her fault. She sabotaged me."

Chris: "Yeah, I don't want to marry a liar. Peace out."

Rose ceremony

Whitney, Becca, Jade. Carly didn't stand a chance, but I have so loved watching her little devil horns come out over Britt-gate. 

The most awkward hometown dates in Bachelor history.

Becca's sister throws her under the bus immediately. "She's not affectionate or intimate, so good luck, Chris." I'm pretty sure Becca ran at Chris & threw her legs around him when she saw him. Ummm?

"Don't hurt my daughter or I will hunt you down."

More PDA. I thought she didn't do that, Becca's sister?

And even more making out on the ferris wheel. Methinks Becca isn't comfortable being affectionate in front of her family?

***

"Let's go make a baby. You go in here with this cup & here's a Playboy. You'll notice that Jade is on the cover."

What is it with the sisters? Whitney's sister is ubes pissy about a proposal.

"I want him to propose."

"I don't care. I'm going to say no."

"Don't say no."

"I'm going to say no."

"Call me when you make up your mind."

***

Chris, do not quit the corn. You are too white to rap. 

"What's in your heart right now?"

Such eloquence.

***

Fast forward to THE most awkward, horrible, uncomfortable, cringe-worthing, bizarre hometown date in the history of The Bachelor. Like, it's not even a question.

"I am a porn star. Do you wanna see?"

"Nooooo! Please don't show me pictures of a naked woman!!"

"I saw a lot about you today that kind of confirmed everything I felt." Loud & clear, Chris.

Rose Ceremony

Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca.

Chris to Jade: "You know that this has nothing to do with your porn. I think it's great that millions of men have seen you naked. It's not you, it's me."

"She poured her heart out and her boobies to me. I think I might be making a mistake."

***

I leave you with the dog getting lucky. #epic

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 7

Still in the middle of nowhere.

"How do you feel about me?" Honestly, after you didn't know that New Mexico was one of the 50 states, I realized you have no idea where Iowa is or where you would be living.

Cue: spotlight & camera in the limo where Megan cries about how she was falling in love & didn't see this coming.

The fact that these "ladies" have the balls to be shocked when Chris Harrison announces that once again there will be a rose ceremony is too much. This is a game show, airheads. You are eliminated at rose ceremonies. Have you not picked up on that from the past 6 weeks?

***

Date card comes. Jenna Jameson Jade gets the 1-on-1 and Britt throws a level 10 bitch fit. 

"No, really, I'm super happy for you, but I'm just so jealous & it should be me. This is such an important date & I needed this, but I'm totally happy for you. *sobbing* This is just so hard because next week is so important for me, but I'm so excited for you. I mean, you guys have no idea the connection we have. Like, I can't believe he didn't pick me for this date, but again, so happy for you." 

1-on-1

Jenna Jameson is on her way out to the middle of effing nowhere. Like, he wasn't kidding. It is corn for miles and miles. Hey! They would have children of the corn. Presh.

And again, high heels? I mean, if I were Chris, I would just see her shoes & know that this wasn't going to work out. Use your brain. It's a farm. 

"As much as I love sharing this with Chris (really? Tell your face how much fun you're having), I just don't know where I can wear my heels here with most of the town shut down. Where will I pole dance?"

Apparently, the only thing people do in Arlington is cheer on the high school football team. I think the entire town was in that stadium.

1-on-1

You guys. Minnie Mouse is really making my ears bleed at this point. There was a lot of cheerleader squealing last night & I was getting physically angry. (Side note: I have an ear infection & am in a bad mood, so this might be snarkier than usual...if that's even humanly possible.)

***

Britt, you are being a spoiled brat. Calm yourself down. This isn't the Britt Show. Yes, you have a sexual connection with Chris. Did you know that the other "ladies" have a connection beyond their genitals with Chris?

So, a road trip. To Arlington. To stalk Chris' hometown. Yeah, no, he'll love this, "ladies." 

"Ok, we're in Arlington...NOW...and now, we're in the next town." 

***

I like to think that I could adapt to a small town lifestyle. If I loved someone enough, I could do it AND be happy. There is no movie theater, not a single restaurant, there is ONE Methodist church or nap time, as I like to call it, and most of the businesses are boarded up. I mean, that would have to be true frickin' love.

"It's just so much smaller than I thought it would be." That's what she said.

***

I give Minnie Mouse credit for not using her tragedy to get a rose. She told him about herself without it being an inappropriate sobfest. "Ladies," take note.

***

"I don't see myself in this town..." 

*cameras turn on*

"OH! I could totally live here. I just love it so much."

Date card: Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn. 

***

The caricature mural was weird. That's all I have to say about that.

***

"A couple of years ago, I was in Playboy." I would love to see Chris' family find out about this at Thanksgiving dinner. "So, Chris, Uncle John was on the inteernet the other day & found some pictures of your little wife right thar on the Google. Good job, buddy."

"I know I need to tell Chris soon." I'm guessing he'll be looking those up...

Group Date

Ice skating. It's a lot harder to do as an adult. 

"It's been so hard for me this week. My boyfriend has only made out with me 384737 times and I'm not getting enough attention." 

"I loved Arlington soooo much. It's so beautiful. I really liked it. I could totally see myself sitting on my porch applying hot pink lipstick. It's the perfect fit for me."

Carly to the rescue. "Hey, I'm not trying to throw anyone under the bus, but Britt is playing you."

"Next week is so important to me. Only me. No one else's hometown dates matter but mine. Life is just easy. We sit in the living room, eating off of paper plates, getting seconds..." that girl hasn't had a second helping of anything a day in her life. Come.On.

"I like to reinvent myself. This is a good thing to try." WHAT!??!?!? Did you just hear what you said?!?! You're going to TRY to be a little farmer's wife? You don't get to try. You can either do this or you can't. Chris, stop thinking with your pants & listen to what she is saying: "I want to play dress up in some overalls & a bandana, & see if I can do it." 

Why does every single effing conversation have to be so dramatic & woe-is-me? We get it. You have feelings for Chris, and he's macking on other girls. Being a whiney, needy drama queen will totally get his attention & make him fall for you. Definitely keep that up, "ladies."

Kaitlyn gets the woe-is-me rose. 

And boom goes the dynamite. 

Britt continues her temper tantrum and makes Chris feel supes awk. "Oh, Kaitlyn, this isn't about you & I'm not taking away from your rose, but it's just so hard. I'm having trouble because I'm a whiney baby because someone got a rose when I'm the prettiest & the best. I'm putting everything out there & no one else is doing that but me. No one else wants this like I do. But Kaitlyn, so happy for you. Don't feel bad. I'm not mad; I'm just upset. Sooo happy for you."

"I'm not sure what you want from me?"

"I just want to be voted the most popular every week, Chris. Just make everyone else feel like horse honkey & give me all the roses while I lie through my teeth. Duh."

"Sorry that had nothing to do with you at all - I was just thinking out loud." Here's the cool thing about being an adult: you can & should exercise discretion, grace & tact in social situations. If you have not, I would love to give you a crash course. 

***

Don't forget to watch Part 2 tonight & look for a SECOND recap tomorrow!

The Best Damn Hair Tutorial Ever

I have good hair. I do. I take really good care of it by using store-bought shampoo & conditioner, using heat on it every single day, and brushing out massive tangles because of the length. There ya go. There's my secret. Don't care about it and you will have long, luscious (another icky word) hair.

I am asked at least once a day how I style my hair, so I thought I would give you a great hair tutorial to try at home.

Step 1: Have hair.
Step 2: Plug that hot round stick in & curl your hair.
Step 3: Curl more hair.
Step 4: Curl the hair on the other side of your head.
Step 5: Take a selfie & post it to social media. If there's no selfie, then it didn't happen.

** No pants were worn in the making of this tutorial**

Special thanks to my BFF for that SEXAY j.crew necklace

Don't forget: this is a hair curling tutorial. This will not straighten your hair. If you want straight hair, you will need your hot, flat stick. 

Happy Friday, kittens!

xoxo

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 6

We rejoin the "ladies" mid-panic attack. I am literally laughing out loud.

In the middle of her orgasm-sounding panic attack, Kelsey cracks a joke about brownies. The only thing that she needs to feel better is Chris. "I'm gonna get a rose tonight, for sure." #batshitcrazy So, she is so distraught that she is laying on the floor, hyperventilating, but suddenly the Farmer walks in & she's fine? Riiiiight.

"The one feeling I can express is how happy I am." Ummm...you were dying 5 minutes ago & now you're happy?! You need medicine.

***

Rose Ceremony

***

Ashley is already crying.

Jade (Ashley is crying), Kaitlyn (Ashley is crying), Megan (Ashley is crying), Becca (Ashley is crying), Ashley (Ashley is not crying), Kelsey. Literally, screamed, "WHAT!?!?!?!?"

I mean, thank God Mackenzie is gone and who the hell is the girl with the dark hair, but Kelsey?! Really?! She is such a manipulative psychopath. 

***

South Dakota: the least romantic place in the world.

We join Britt & the Black Widow on the balcony in underwear. I mean, I always stand on balconies in a bra with my entire face made up. Duh.

Card comes. Becca. Yay. #teambecca

"Becca is the only one I haven't kissed, and I'm going to change that right now totally ok with that."

Whitney straps on a pair & calls the Black Widow on her insanity. Man, this girl is absolutely insane. She can actually make herself believe her lies. I mean, I'm scared for Whitney's life now. She may stab her in her sleep.

And now Carly hops in. "I'm blessed with eloquence, and I'm good with words you are dumbasses and I am smarter than you dips because I'm smart."

For the first time ever, I didn't have a single sarcastic comment to make watching a date.

Card comes. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, & Megan. You guys, I am so effing excited that Ashley & Kelsey are on the 2-on-1. The two most psychotic, schizo, nutbags in Bachelor history face off. Please use my PayPal address to place your bets.

Becca gets the rose. Kissing ensues. "Sorry, Dad."

***

Group date. Writing songs with Big & Rich.

Either Big or Rich takes Kaitlyn running down the street yelling, "FREEDOM." There's no way alcohol wasn't involved in this scene.

And shocker, Britt & Chris are off in the corner, making out. Girlfriend is good, if nothin' else.

A cat is murdered. I have never heard anyone who was more tone deaf than Chris.

My ears are bleeding.

Jade, stop whining like my 4-year-old. We all have to do things we don't like. Do you need a timeout?

"These girls killed it today!" No. You are so tone deaf that dissonant notes sound correct to you.

Britt & Chris run off to make out, and the "ladies" are pissed. Surprise, surprise. Chris pulls Britt onto the stage to give her the date rose. 

So, he can't dance OR sing. Good thing he's pretty.

**cat hisses** And a painfully awkward silence. "I mean, this is obviously, getting very hard." That's what she said.

Everyone is crying. Except Ashley. Let's relax, "ladies." Chris wants Britt. Don't gang up on her because you're haters.

***

"Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes." Can we just send them both home? My prediction is that he kicks these two out. Two birds, one stone. One date, both go.

"Literally, with this, I just can't even." You took the words right out of my mouth, Ashley.

Eww. The kissing. And the porn music. I just threw up in my mouth.

ASHLEY. Guys don't like catty, bitchy, vindictive women. Spend your time tamping down YOUR crazy rather than making the Black Widow look crazy. YOU look crazier when you do that. 

"I hope that you know I will be the kind of wife that you need because I've been a wife." Yes, you are the kind of wife who will place a pillow over his face in the middle of the night one night when you snap.

"The girls think you are fake." "I told you I would be me." Correct. You have been the sociopathic, narcissistic, lying sack that you are.

If looks could kill...I swear. One day, we will see the Black Widow on 20/20 being interviewed by Barbara Walters behind bars.

"I know what you did." 

Ashley is crying & tantruming. "I can't believe you told her. Why did you tell her what I said?" "Regardless, we are in different places. I can't give you what you want. You want to be Kim Kardashian." 

"I can't believe I'm acting like this. I can't believe I've been crying this whole time." Really? All you do is cry? And she's talking to herself. Can I recommend a good psychiatrist? She.Is.Insane.

I can feel myself losing brain cells at this moment.

The squeal heard 'round the world: he gives the Black Widow the boot. 

Pay up, bitches.

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 5

This week, the "ladies" & Chris head out of the country to New Mexico for a week on the beach. I mean, way to represent the south, Megan.

1-on-1

Carly. How does one dress for a breathing date? Let me just say that I watch the Bach with my mother-in-law & sister-in-law. So, watching soft core porn is not my ideal situation. Chris, you do not need a "love guru" to tell you if you have chemistry. You either do or you don't. (Side note: how does one become a "love guru?" Can you make good money at it? Because it's essentially being a con artist...) 

So, the witch doctor starts telling them to breathe as she smokes Chris & Carly out with sage. Ooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm. 

This witch doctor is a perv. I mean, she's just sitting & watching Carly BREATHE on Chris. And, seriously, you do not even know the number of texts I got last night saying, "I hope they brushed!" Then, they move into different positions. Downward doggie style. REMEMBER: I AM FREAKING WATCHING THIS WITH  MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. And now they're stripping. I.just.can't.even. This woman is a perv. Thankfully, Carly finally says 'uncle' & they stop the porno. "Tell me what you're feeling." Awkward. We're feeling awkward.

Tonight, instead of sex, I'm just going to ask Josh to breathe on me. After he brushes his teeth.

***

So, the Black Widow starts telling her story about her husband passing. You guys, she doesn't even freaking remember what he died from! Clue #1. You better believe that, if Josh dies, I will remember the name of what killed him. I mean, it'll be during the zombie apocalypse, obviously.

"I haven't told Chris my story because I'll pull that out of the bag when I need to secure a rose I'm waiting for a 1-on-1 date."

Group date

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mack, Becca, Samantha (who the hell is this girl?!), Ashley, & Kelsey - "I'm rapidly falling in love.: #gag

So, they are on the river, filled with alligators & dead bodies (way to represent, Miss Nashville), and Jade falls in. She tells us that she has this disease where her body goes into hypothermic shock when she's in normal temps, and this is freezing water, so she's dying. I totally know that this is called! High.Maintenance. So, she gets a foot massage from Chris. Well played, Jade. Well played.

Jordan is back looking like a grown-up and asks for another chance. They make sure to get her on camera drinking water. *wink wink* The "ladies" lose their shiitake mushrooms, so he sends Jordan packing. Again.

***

Card comes. Britt is going on a 1-on-1 and starts crying because it says "the sky's the limit." Honestly, the amount of crying. They, seriously, are a disgrace to womankind. And also, can we talk about why Britt doesn't bathe?! I'm so confused. How can she stand the stench? And how the hell does her hair look so damn amazing if she doesn't bathe?

***

Whitney gets the rose.

Ashley cries. "I deserved it & I just don't really think Whitney did. I think it's really messed up." Again, the amount of texts about this nutbag...

1-on-1

Britt. I have never seen someone look so beautiful while they slept. It was both amazing & annoying. I applaud her for thinking ahead & wearing makeup to bed just in case. But, morning breath. My sister-in-law & I both gagged.

Suddenly, she's not afraid of heights when she sees the hot air balloon? "And the Academy Award for best actress in a dramatic series goes to..." 

***

Carly, now, I'm a fan of yours, but relaxicab. He wasn't shushing you. He was trying to surprise Britt. Cool your freakin' jets.

Britt, apparently, doesn't want to get married & have kids. "How many kids do you want? I want 100!!!!" It's called stategery, "ladies."

The doors close on Chris & Britt making out on the bed. There's no way there wasn't at least a handy j under those sheets.

***

Enter the Black Widow. Someone was feeling the pressure, so she whips out her sob story. So many texts. Yes, we were all thinking the same thing at the same time: she did it.

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing. I love my story." Clue #2.

I am legit creeped out now. This has become all about Kelsey & how this is her story & she's evolving into another person. She may be on television again one day. With Barbara Walters. In prison. 

"And, hell yes, I'm getting a rose tonight."

***

Chris is losing it. 

"For me and everyone else, this is been the most highly emotional week so far." How do you even gauge that, Ashley??

The Black Widow starts running her mouth. "I'm feeling very comfortable. I had to honor my story. I was going to tell you ladies about what we talked about. He knows what he needs to do. He already has his decision made up. Everyday is a gift. Time is precious. This is the first time in a while that I've seen him act on the heart. (WTF are you talking about?) And that means I have to say goodbye to people. I know I'm not going, but saying goodbye to people is hard."

Can you say sociopath?

No cocktail party *collective gasp*

Ashley is crying again.

The Black Widow is panicked because Chris is panicked, so she panics & has a panic attack. In the most painfully dramatic display I have ever freaking seen. And dudes, I have had my fair share of panic attacks. This girl. Wow. She deserved a standing O for this performance.

To be continued...

Dear JT

Dear Justin,

You're tearin' up my heart this week. For the second time. The 15-year-old, die-hard 'NSYNC fan, inside of this 30-year-old mom, died a little this weekend.

I'm happy that you have found love, but where did we go wrong? I thought we had something. I really believed those songs were about me. I mean, I know every teeny bopper girl (and boy - I'm looking at you, Lance) believed those songs were about them, but give it up. We both know they were about me.

I went to 5 of your concerts believing that you would see me in the sea of scantily clad teens & pull me on stage, only to fall in love with me instantly. Alas, you did not. Is it because I don't have ripped arms & abs like Jessica? Because, according to Meagan Trainor, it's all about that bass, and that I have.

Congratulations on baby Timberlake. I'm sure it will be an adorable, curly-haired, muscly baby. Just know, you tore up a lot of hearts this weekend. Thank you for bringing sexy back, but for now, we will say bye bye bye.

A.