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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 7, Part 2

This week, Bachelor fans were forced to sit through 5 hours of material. I don't know about you, but some people have lives. I'm not one of them, but I have heard that some people do.

We resume where we left off with Chris pissed at Britt's hissy fit, Becca freaking over her virginity, and the girls all spinning out. Same shit, different day.

"That's it. I'm leaving. There's nothing Chris could say to make me stay. I don't think. I mean, maybe he could tell me he loves me & then I'll stay, but no. I'm leaving. My bags are packed. There's only a 1% chance I'll stay. I will get dressed up and attend the rose ceremony, but I will have to make a scene to let him know I'm leaving for good, unless he proposes to me on the spot, but really, I'm leaving. I think." 

Whitney: "You are beautiful, but looks aren't everything." You mean there has to be something besides a pretty face? I'm confused.

Cocktail party is cancelled & everyone freaks. "There's no cocktail party. I don't know what I'm going to do." #firstworldproblems

Britt: "Let me apologize for being a psychotic bitch. Please tell me you love me and let's go get married. And if you want to say anything to me...?"

Chris: "Seems like you're a liar."

Britt: "It doesn't matter what I said. Carly hates me. I know I said that I couldn't live in Arlington, but that doesn't matter because it was Carly's fault. I'm just so surprised that Carly stabbed me in the back even though I said what I said. Why would she do that to me? This is all her fault. She sabotaged me."

Chris: "Yeah, I don't want to marry a liar. Peace out."


Rose ceremony

Whitney, Becca, Jade. Carly didn't stand a chance, but I have so loved watching her little devil horns come out over Britt-gate. 

The most awkward hometown dates in Bachelor history.

Becca's sister throws her under the bus immediately. "She's not affectionate or intimate, so good luck, Chris." I'm pretty sure Becca ran at Chris & threw her legs around him when she saw him. Ummm?

"Don't hurt my daughter or I will hunt you down."

More PDA. I thought she didn't do that, Becca's sister?

And even more making out on the ferris wheel. Methinks Becca isn't comfortable being affectionate in front of her family?

***

"Let's go make a baby. You go in here with this cup & here's a Playboy. You'll notice that Jade is on the cover."

What is it with the sisters? Whitney's sister is ubes pissy about a proposal.

"I want him to propose."

"I don't care. I'm going to say no."

"Don't say no."

"I'm going to say no."

"Call me when you make up your mind."

***

Chris, do not quit the corn. You are too white to rap. 


"What's in your heart right now?"


Such eloquence.

***

Fast forward to THE most awkward, horrible, uncomfortable, cringe-worthing, bizarre hometown date in the history of The Bachelor. Like, it's not even a question.

"I am a porn star. Do you wanna see?"

"Nooooo! Please don't show me pictures of a naked woman!!"


"I saw a lot about you today that kind of confirmed everything I felt." Loud & clear, Chris.

Rose Ceremony

Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca.

Chris to Jade: "You know that this has nothing to do with your porn. I think it's great that millions of men have seen you naked. It's not you, it's me."

"She poured her heart out and her boobies to me. I think I might be making a mistake."

***

I leave you with the dog getting lucky. #epic