The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 712:54 PM
Still in the middle of nowhere.
"How do you feel about me?" Honestly, after you didn't know that New Mexico was one of the 50 states, I realized you have no idea where Iowa is or where you would be living.
Cue: spotlight & camera in the limo where Megan cries about how she was falling in love & didn't see this coming.
The fact that these "ladies" have the balls to be shocked when Chris Harrison announces that once again there will be a rose ceremony is too much. This is a game show, airheads. You are eliminated at rose ceremonies. Have you not picked up on that from the past 6 weeks?
Date card comes.
Jenna Jameson Jade gets the 1-on-1 and Britt throws a level 10 bitch fit.
"No, really, I'm super happy for you, but I'm just so jealous & it should be me. This is such an important date & I needed this, but I'm totally happy for you. *sobbing* This is just so hard because next week is so important for me, but I'm so excited for you. I mean, you guys have no idea the connection we have. Like, I can't believe he didn't pick me for this date, but again, so happy for you."
Jenna Jameson is on her way out to the middle of effing nowhere. Like, he wasn't kidding. It is corn for miles and miles. Hey! They would have children of the corn. Presh.
And again, high heels? I mean, if I were Chris, I would just see her shoes & know that this wasn't going to work out. Use your brain. It's a farm.
"As much as I love sharing this with Chris (really? Tell your face how much fun you're having), I just don't know where I can wear my heels here with most of the town shut down. Where will I pole dance?"
Apparently, the only thing people do in Arlington is cheer on the high school football team. I think the entire town was in that stadium.
You guys. Minnie Mouse is really making my ears bleed at this point. There was a lot of cheerleader squealing last night & I was getting physically angry. (Side note: I have an ear infection & am in a bad mood, so this might be snarkier than usual...if that's even humanly possible.)
Britt, you are being a spoiled brat. Calm yourself down. This isn't the Britt Show. Yes, you have a sexual connection with Chris. Did you know that the other "ladies" have a connection beyond their genitals with Chris?
So, a road trip. To Arlington. To stalk Chris' hometown. Yeah, no, he'll love this, "ladies."
"Ok, we're in Arlington...NOW...and now, we're in the next town."
I like to think that I could adapt to a small town lifestyle. If I loved someone enough, I could do it AND be happy. There is no movie theater, not a single restaurant, there is ONE Methodist church or nap time, as I like to call it, and most of the businesses are boarded up. I mean, that would have to be true frickin' love.
"It's just so much smaller than I thought it would be." That's what she said.
I give Minnie Mouse credit for not using her tragedy to get a rose. She told him about herself without it being an inappropriate sobfest. "Ladies," take note.
"I don't see myself in this town..."
*cameras turn on*
"OH! I could totally live here. I just love it so much."
Date card: Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn.
The caricature mural was weird. That's all I have to say about that.
"A couple of years ago, I was in Playboy." I would love to see Chris' family find out about this at Thanksgiving dinner. "So, Chris, Uncle John was on the inteernet the other day & found some pictures of your little wife right thar on the Google. Good job, buddy."
"I know I need to tell Chris soon." I'm guessing he'll be looking those up...
Ice skating. It's a lot harder to do as an adult.
"It's been so hard for me this week. My boyfriend has only made out with me 384737 times and I'm not getting enough attention."
"I loved Arlington soooo much. It's so beautiful. I really liked it. I could totally see myself sitting on my porch applying hot pink lipstick. It's the perfect fit for me."
Carly to the rescue. "Hey, I'm not trying to throw anyone under the bus, but Britt is playing you."
"Next week is so important to me. Only me. No one else's hometown dates matter but mine. Life is just easy. We sit in the living room, eating off of paper plates, getting seconds..." that girl hasn't had a second helping of anything a day in her life. Come.On.
"I like to reinvent myself. This is a good thing to try." WHAT!??!?!? Did you just hear what you said?!?! You're going to TRY to be a little farmer's wife? You don't get to try. You can either do this or you can't. Chris, stop thinking with your pants & listen to what she is saying: "I want to play dress up in some overalls & a bandana, & see if I can do it."
Why does every single effing conversation have to be so dramatic & woe-is-me? We get it. You have feelings for Chris, and he's macking on other girls. Being a whiney, needy drama queen will totally get his attention & make him fall for you. Definitely keep that up, "ladies."
Kaitlyn gets the woe-is-me rose.
And boom goes the dynamite.
Britt continues her temper tantrum and makes Chris feel supes awk. "Oh, Kaitlyn, this isn't about you & I'm not taking away from your rose, but it's just so hard. I'm having trouble because I'm a whiney baby because someone got a rose when I'm the prettiest & the best. I'm putting everything out there & no one else is doing that but me. No one else wants this like I do. But Kaitlyn, so happy for you. Don't feel bad. I'm not mad; I'm just upset. Sooo happy for you."
"I'm not sure what you want from me?"
"I just want to be voted the most popular every week, Chris. Just make everyone else feel like horse honkey & give me all the roses while I lie through my teeth. Duh."
"Sorry that had nothing to do with you at all - I was just thinking out loud." Here's the cool thing about being an adult: you can & should exercise discretion, grace & tact in social situations. If you have not, I would love to give you a crash course.
Don't forget to watch Part 2 tonight & look for a SECOND recap tomorrow!