In the middle of her orgasm-sounding panic attack, Kelsey cracks a joke about brownies. The only thing that she needs to feel better is Chris. "I'm gonna get a rose tonight, for sure." #batshitcrazy So, she is so distraught that she is laying on the floor, hyperventilating, but suddenly the Farmer walks in & she's fine? Riiiiight.
"The one feeling I can express is how happy I am." Ummm...you were dying 5 minutes ago & now you're happy?! You need medicine.
***
Rose Ceremony
***
Ashley is already crying.
Jade (Ashley is crying), Kaitlyn (Ashley is crying), Megan (Ashley is crying), Becca (Ashley is crying), Ashley (Ashley is not crying), Kelsey. Literally, screamed, "WHAT!?!?!?!?"
I mean, thank God Mackenzie is gone and who the hell is the girl with the dark hair, but Kelsey?! Really?! She is such a manipulative psychopath.
***
South Dakota: the least romantic place in the world.
We join Britt & the Black Widow on the balcony in underwear. I mean, I always stand on balconies in a bra with my entire face made up. Duh.
Card comes. Becca. Yay. #teambecca
"Becca is the only one I haven't kissed, and I'm going to change that right now totally ok with that."
Whitney straps on a pair & calls the Black Widow on her insanity. Man, this girl is absolutely insane. She can actually make herself believe her lies. I mean, I'm scared for Whitney's life now. She may stab her in her sleep.
And now Carly hops in. "I'm blessed with eloquence, and I'm good with words you are dumbasses and I am smarter than you dips because I'm smart."
For the first time ever, I didn't have a single sarcastic comment to make watching a date.
Card comes. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, & Megan. You guys, I am so effing excited that Ashley & Kelsey are on the 2-on-1. The two most psychotic, schizo, nutbags in Bachelor history face off. Please use my PayPal address to place your bets.
Becca gets the rose. Kissing ensues. "Sorry, Dad."
***
Group date. Writing songs with Big & Rich.
Either Big or Rich takes Kaitlyn running down the street yelling, "FREEDOM." There's no way alcohol wasn't involved in this scene.
And shocker, Britt & Chris are off in the corner, making out. Girlfriend is good, if nothin' else.
A cat is murdered. I have never heard anyone who was more tone deaf than Chris.
My ears are bleeding.
Jade, stop whining like my 4-year-old. We all have to do things we don't like. Do you need a timeout?
"These girls killed it today!" No. You are so tone deaf that dissonant notes sound correct to you.
Britt & Chris run off to make out, and the "ladies" are pissed. Surprise, surprise. Chris pulls Britt onto the stage to give her the date rose.
So, he can't dance OR sing. Good thing he's pretty.
**cat hisses** And a painfully awkward silence. "I mean, this is obviously, getting very hard." That's what she said.
Everyone is crying. Except Ashley. Let's relax, "ladies." Chris wants Britt. Don't gang up on her because you're haters.
***
"Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes." Can we just send them both home? My prediction is that he kicks these two out. Two birds, one stone. One date, both go.
"Literally, with this, I just can't even." You took the words right out of my mouth, Ashley.
Eww. The kissing. And the porn music. I just threw up in my mouth.
ASHLEY. Guys don't like catty, bitchy, vindictive women. Spend your time tamping down YOUR crazy rather than making the Black Widow look crazy. YOU look crazier when you do that.
"I hope that you know I will be the kind of wife that you need because I've been a wife." Yes, you are the kind of wife who will place a pillow over his face in the middle of the night one night when you snap.
"The girls think you are fake." "I told you I would be me." Correct. You have been the sociopathic, narcissistic, lying sack that you are.
If looks could kill...I swear. One day, we will see the Black Widow on 20/20 being interviewed by Barbara Walters behind bars.
"I know what you did."
Ashley is crying & tantruming. "I can't believe you told her. Why did you tell her what I said?" "Regardless, we are in different places. I can't give you what you want. You want to be Kim Kardashian."
"I can't believe I'm acting like this. I can't believe I've been crying this whole time." Really? All you do is cry? And she's talking to herself. Can I recommend a good psychiatrist? She.Is.Insane.
I can feel myself losing brain cells at this moment.
The squeal heard 'round the world: he gives the Black Widow the boot.
Pay up, bitches.
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