The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 5

This week, the "ladies" & Chris head out of the country to New Mexico for a week on the beach. I mean, way to represent the south, Megan.

1-on-1

Carly. How does one dress for a breathing date? Let me just say that I watch the Bach with my mother-in-law & sister-in-law. So, watching soft core porn is not my ideal situation. Chris, you do not need a "love guru" to tell you if you have chemistry. You either do or you don't. (Side note: how does one become a "love guru?" Can you make good money at it? Because it's essentially being a con artist...) 

So, the witch doctor starts telling them to breathe as she smokes Chris & Carly out with sage. Ooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm. 

This witch doctor is a perv. I mean, she's just sitting & watching Carly BREATHE on Chris. And, seriously, you do not even know the number of texts I got last night saying, "I hope they brushed!" Then, they move into different positions. Downward doggie style. REMEMBER: I AM FREAKING WATCHING THIS WITH  MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. And now they're stripping. I.just.can't.even. This woman is a perv. Thankfully, Carly finally says 'uncle' & they stop the porno. "Tell me what you're feeling." Awkward. We're feeling awkward.

Tonight, instead of sex, I'm just going to ask Josh to breathe on me. After he brushes his teeth.

***

So, the Black Widow starts telling her story about her husband passing. You guys, she doesn't even freaking remember what he died from! Clue #1. You better believe that, if Josh dies, I will remember the name of what killed him. I mean, it'll be during the zombie apocalypse, obviously.

"I haven't told Chris my story because I'll pull that out of the bag when I need to secure a rose I'm waiting for a 1-on-1 date."

Group date

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mack, Becca, Samantha (who the hell is this girl?!), Ashley, & Kelsey - "I'm rapidly falling in love.: #gag

So, they are on the river, filled with alligators & dead bodies (way to represent, Miss Nashville), and Jade falls in. She tells us that she has this disease where her body goes into hypothermic shock when she's in normal temps, and this is freezing water, so she's dying. I totally know that this is called! High.Maintenance. So, she gets a foot massage from Chris. Well played, Jade. Well played.

Jordan is back looking like a grown-up and asks for another chance. They make sure to get her on camera drinking water. *wink wink* The "ladies" lose their shiitake mushrooms, so he sends Jordan packing. Again.

***

Card comes. Britt is going on a 1-on-1 and starts crying because it says "the sky's the limit." Honestly, the amount of crying. They, seriously, are a disgrace to womankind. And also, can we talk about why Britt doesn't bathe?! I'm so confused. How can she stand the stench? And how the hell does her hair look so damn amazing if she doesn't bathe?

***

Whitney gets the rose.

Ashley cries. "I deserved it & I just don't really think Whitney did. I think it's really messed up." Again, the amount of texts about this nutbag...

1-on-1

Britt. I have never seen someone look so beautiful while they slept. It was both amazing & annoying. I applaud her for thinking ahead & wearing makeup to bed just in case. But, morning breath. My sister-in-law & I both gagged.

Suddenly, she's not afraid of heights when she sees the hot air balloon? "And the Academy Award for best actress in a dramatic series goes to..." 

***

Carly, now, I'm a fan of yours, but relaxicab. He wasn't shushing you. He was trying to surprise Britt. Cool your freakin' jets.

Britt, apparently, doesn't want to get married & have kids. "How many kids do you want? I want 100!!!!" It's called stategery, "ladies."

The doors close on Chris & Britt making out on the bed. There's no way there wasn't at least a handy j under those sheets.

***

Enter the Black Widow. Someone was feeling the pressure, so she whips out her sob story. So many texts. Yes, we were all thinking the same thing at the same time: she did it.

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing. I love my story." Clue #2.

I am legit creeped out now. This has become all about Kelsey & how this is her story & she's evolving into another person. She may be on television again one day. With Barbara Walters. In prison. 

"And, hell yes, I'm getting a rose tonight."

***

Chris is losing it. 

"For me and everyone else, this is been the most highly emotional week so far." How do you even gauge that, Ashley??

The Black Widow starts running her mouth. "I'm feeling very comfortable. I had to honor my story. I was going to tell you ladies about what we talked about. He knows what he needs to do. He already has his decision made up. Everyday is a gift. Time is precious. This is the first time in a while that I've seen him act on the heart. (WTF are you talking about?) And that means I have to say goodbye to people. I know I'm not going, but saying goodbye to people is hard."

Can you say sociopath?

No cocktail party *collective gasp*

Ashley is crying again.

The Black Widow is panicked because Chris is panicked, so she panics & has a panic attack. In the most painfully dramatic display I have ever freaking seen. And dudes, I have had my fair share of panic attacks. This girl. Wow. She deserved a standing O for this performance.

To be continued...