The BEST After The Final Rose Recap EVER

The scarf is back.

"I felt that she gave me purpose."  I could finally use the new handcuffs in the basement.

Nick waltzes into the Men Tell All studio. Chris Harrison should be a therapist.

"You don't just not stop loving someone." My brain hurts.

Andi refuses to see him, so Nick gives Chris a letter to give to Andi. I'm sure that, even though she doesn't want to see you, she'll want to read your desperate letter.

Chris: "Thanks for having the courage to walk out here." Because all of America is revoking your man card tonight.

"Prior to the Men Tell All, you tried to contact her before that. Andi was on vacation in Mexico & you wanted to go see her." Stalking is illegal in Mexico too.

"Do you think she made a mistake?"

"I don't think that's fair for me to answer that question." Then what are we doing here, Nick? Why are you stalking her all over the globe if not to get her to change her mind?!

Grumpy Cat comes out & gives Nick the most awkward, sourpuss-faced hug. Chris Harrison opens the floor to Nick.

"Ummm, I mean, I don't know, like, I..." I cannot roll my eyes hard enough.

"I thought I'd have more to say." Stalkers 101: come prepared. You have followed her to international waters, written her a letter professing your love for her, forced your way onto the Bach set, you finally get your moment in the spotlight & you have nothing to say. Quality television right here, folks.

"...as heartbroking as it is..." I'm getting dumber by the second at this point.

"I think, you know, the hardest part of hearing you say that is, you know, like, thinking back to those moments. And I guess, you know, like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren't in love with me, I'm just not sure why, like, why you made love with me." Insert: GASP. I hope she told Josh. If not, that was a super awkward conversation.

"Well, first of all, I think that's kind of below the belt." That's what she said.

Chris: "I'm glad we could have this moment...it needed to happen." For ratings.

Bachelor in Paradise advertisement. Should I recap this crap?

Out comes Mr. Baseball.

"You live 5 minutes away from each other. That's fate." No, that was a requirement for Miss-I-Won't-Leave-Atlanta.

They are planning on planning to start planning a wedding for Spring 2015. Who wants to place bets now?

What did you think of this season? Who was your favorite? Did you like Andi? Did she make the right choice?

A.

The BEST Bachelorette Finale Recap EVER

We did it, people. We made it through the MOST PAINFUL season in Bachelorette history. We watched Andi make out with about 20 different men, saw more scarves than are in a Gap store, and we watched her stalker make a complete a$$ of himself on live television. I mean, 3 ingredients for some great entertainment.

Chris Harrison opens the show by letting us know that Andi has a stalker. Her scorned lover has followed her around, trying to get in contact with her and she has refused. Stalking is illegal, Nick. #restrainingorder

The crowd goes wild.

Nick finally meets Andi's parents. Her mom comments that he isn't very affectionate. Her dad looks less than amused. We have the awkward, obligatory "I'd like to marry your daughter" talk. Hy consents. Congratulations, you just agreed to let a serial killer marry your daughter.

Josh's turn. Let me stop & say I sweat like a 300lb man. Like, I am a sweat-er. And Josh. Wow. He came in like he'd just been caught in a downpour. So, they sit down & immediately entwine their bodies with each other. "Baaabe!" I mean, if there was any doubt that she was going to choose Josh, that was squashed in this episode. He asks to marry her. Hy says yes again. He's clearly ready to get rid of this girl.

Later that night, Josh talks about his two great loves: baseball & Andi. Let me just say that during this finale, I sat with a room full of girlfriends & the main topic was "WHAT THE HELL DOES JOSH ACTUALLY DO FOR A LIVING??" A former pro-baseball player does not a career make. He's going to marry her. He gives her a baseball card with his stats. I mean, ok, it was kind of cute, but for the love of all that is holy! We get it. You love baseball. You live in your glory days. MOVE.ON.

"I spend more time thinking about what could go wrong than what could go right." That's because you're on The Bachelorette. Eggs have a longer shelf life than these "relationships."

Final date with Nick. "Hopefully, today will be a day I never forget." Famous last words.

"It feels good to just let my hair down & have fun {with Nick}." Your hair is in a braid.

"I love her in ways I never thought I'd love somebody." I would love to tie her up in my basement.

"When I spend time with Nick, it makes me think things I've never thought before." Like, that I should carry pepper spray.

That night, Nick talks & hems & haws about being nervous & confident. He's ready. He's going to propose. Grumpy Cat sits & listens to him yammer on.

"I don't really know if Josh is still in the picture." He's in the next bungalow, dude.

"I woke up the morning I got engaged & something wasn't right."  I didn't have my scarf!

Andi knows what she's going to do. She's going to tell one of them he's not right for her.

"My gut tells me I'm going to do what is in my heart." ...mmmkay...?

Andi knocks on Nick's door. And it was the gasp heard 'round the world.

"When I told you I loved you, and you looked at me the way you do sometimes, and the way you respond to me took it that you meant it." It's called acting.

"Sometimes I feel like you took it too far." See above notes.

"When we were in the water & I told you I loved you, and you said 'I wish I could say things back.'" Like, you terrify me.

And he slams the roses into the trash like a temper tantrum.

How did they make it rain right after that??! Aaaand scene.

Proposal time.

Whoever measured Josh must have been drinking. That suit was about to explode. I was pretty sure we'd hear a giant riiiiip when he finally hugged her.

The first words out of Josh's mouth: "Andi, when I decided to give up my first love: baseball. I didn't know if I'd be able to find that kind of love." True love is loving someone as much as you love baseball.

Worst response ever. We're all pretty sure she is going to dump him on the ugliest proposal site Bach has ever built.

Looking at her ring: "ah, are you serious?" And we all shouted: "HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!"

Sitting against the backdrop of a sunset, we watch JODI (Josh + Andi) share disgusto barfo PDA.

Stay tuned for the After The Rose Recap...I should shower, at least, before I start in on that mess.

A.

Harriet Potter

I always wanted to go to Hogwarts. It really annoyed me that it was fictional. J.K. Rowling has the most creative, wild, amazing imagination to dream up such an incredible place. She described it in such detail that you could imagine exactly what she was seeing as she penned each book. Alas, it is fictional. Although, I think Florida has something similar.

So, I'm not going to Hogwarts, wingardum leviOsa doesn't work for me, and I don't have a pet owl who flies letters back & forth to me. I do, however, make potions. Oil potions.

I am the least granola person you will ever meet. I like A/C, not fresh air. I like candy bars, not snap peas. I like my cushioned mattress, not a tent. I like to shave my legs. When the essential oil craze started catching fire (<< see what I did there?), I thought you all were a bunch of hippie looney tunes. Yeah, I said it. Looney.Tunes. I believe in Ibuprofen. I'm not going to go rub a plant on my head & expect my headache to go away.

My very wise friend, Madison, got on my case about not using essential oils. I told her I thought it was hocus pocus. She started to disprove my theory. Testimonial after testimonial, I was riveted by what the oils were doing for people. (There is a large secret essential oil world on Facebook. They are all secretly rubbing VALOR on their husbands while they sleep to stop them from snoring. And it's working.) The clincher for me was a photo of a young girl whose face was burned when a radiator blew up in her face. She began using a Young Living potion on her face & within a week, her burns were more than 80% gone. I couldn't get my credit card out fast enough.

Premium Starter Kit comes with this rainbow of awesome

We started using scar concoctions on scars & burns. We use a sleepytime oil for the kid to help her sleep. She typically calls us into her room 3x a night before finally conking out. The nights I have used her sleepy oil she goes right to sleep. I graciously let my girlfriend use our potion. Now, my kid is yelling & her kid is sleeping. Rude. I also have this hideous little red spot on my cheek that is the bane of my existence. I have been using lemon & lavender on it, & in just a few days, it's already shrinking. I may not be a hideous beast by weeks' end!

Is this a sales pitch? Sure. I want you to buy this voodoo magic because it's awesome. Help your kids sleep so you can watch more Orange is the New Black. Rub some Valor on your husband to shut him up at night. And for the love! Diffuse some Peace & Calming + Lavender & take a hot bath while everyone is knocked out.

I lock the bathroom door, turn out the lights, soak in the hot water & let the glow of the diffuser light the room while the kids scream like banshees just on the other side.

So, just try it. All the cool kids are doing it. Join Team #hocuspocusoils. We're posting on Instagram! Find us! Tell us how they're working for you. Because they totes will. Easy squeezy to get started:

1. Click here for the sign-up page.

2. Select “Sign Up As: Young Living Wholesale Member”

3. The “Enroller ID” and “Sponsor ID” boxes should already be filled in for you.  If they aren’t, my ID is 1935445, and you can fill both the boxes with this number.

4. Fill out your name, billing address, shipping address, and contact info. (The reason you are asked for your SSN is for tax purposes; if you make over $600/year selling Young Living products, you will receive a 1099 form in the mail, as is required by law.  Young Living never shares this info with anyone.)

5. Create your password and pin which you will use to log in to your account and order your oils.

6. Select your enrollment order.  This is where you can specify which starter kit you would like.  You must sign up with one of these kits to become a Wholesale Member.  I recommend the Premium Kit with the Aroma Diffuser.

7. Set up your optional Essential Rewards Program.  Buying one of the ER kits is not a requirement to sign up as a Wholesale Member!  This is a rewards program you can opt into to start earning money back to help pay for your oils.  At this point, you can skip this step by selecting “No. thank you. I plan on enrolling in the Essential Rewards Program later.” If one of the ER kits looks valuable to you, then go for it in addition to your starter kit.

8. Agree to Terms & Conditions

9. CONFIRM YOUR ORDER. Some folks miss this step and end up not fully checking out.  To confirm, the tool will log you in and it will show you your order again and it will make you enter in your payment information again.

And like magic...best decision of your life!

a.

How to Choose the RIGHT Photographer for YOU

I love when blog requests come in. They challenge my brain. This one was a no-brainer, however. A friend from high school asked me to (in my spare time) write a post about choosing the right photographer for you. There are so many amazing photographers out there these days that you may have a hard time choosing. You may even have a few great people to choose from, and they could all be right for you. However, if you are having trouble deciding, you can use these steps to narrow down your decision.

Whether you are picking a photographer for your wedding day or family photos, you need to choose wisely. These are the photos that highlight special times in your life. You display these photos on walls, make coffee table books & even send them to family as presents. These are important moments that need to be handled with care.

So, how do you pick the right one?

1. Find a style you like.
Look around your area (as much as an hour or two away from you) at local photographers. What is their style? What is YOUR style? If you like bright, vibrant photos, find photographers with a similar style. If you like a more relaxed, photo journalistic feel, find a few photographers who take more lifestyle-type photos. If you like posed photos, find some photographers who stick with that style.

Lifestyle family photos courtesy of Maren Miller

2. Decide how much you are willing to invest.
I know how hard it is to decide how much photos are worth to you. I know it is. It's no easier for me. When you are deciding on a budget, allow yourself to stretch a little. Make less Starbucks stops, sell a kidney. It's worth it if you find a photographer you really love. Talk to the photographer you have decided on. He or she might have an option to make payments. Save $20 each week & stash it away until you are able to pay the fee. Whatever you invest is what you will get out of your photos. If you don't invest much, odds are you won't get much from your experience. Quality is important for these special moments.

3. Inquire with a couple photographers.
Beginning some type of dialogue with a couple of photographers will give you a good reading on their personality & their work. This is especially key when choosing a wedding photographer. If you are a snarky, sarcastic dork, please give me a call. We will work well together. If you are more interested in a casual, working relationship, seek out a photographer or 2 who have this kind of personality. This is me. When I met my now best friend, she hired me to take her Christmas photos (spoiler alert: they were terrible). We got along great & she wound up hiring me for her wedding. Our pre-wedding planning meeting was hosted at Panera over brownies. If this is your vibe, find someone like me. If you would rather have someone who just comes in, gets the job done, & hands you your finished product with a smile on their face, then go for it. You are working together to make a moment in your life stand still & you need to be comfortable with their working relationship with you.

Business meeting.

4. Think about how you want to display your photos. 
If you know ahead of time how you plan to use these photos, ask the photographers you are inquiring of what they offer in terms of packages, prints, digital files, canvases, books, etc. You want to know what you are getting for your session. If you prefer having all of the digital files, be sure you know if they come with your package or if it is add-on. Also, ask about what the photographer offers for prints & canvases. They know what they are doing when they have your images printed - TRUST THEM. Just say NO to Wal-Mart prints. These are important moments in your life - they deserve to be printed or canvased professionally.

More photos courtesy of Maren Miller

These photos are important. I am a BIG BELIEVER in taking photos of special events (births), family photos every year, and everything in between. Those moments are frozen in time & they deserve proper care. Spend time researching photographers who may be right for you, set out a realistic budget, and then find someone who will give your family the proper care & attention you deserve in preserving your special moments. They matter. Big.

a.

The BEST Men Tell All Recap You'll Read

A live ultrasound? Really? I mean, I'll give them the fact that we have never done this before, but holy shiitake mushrooms. I guess we can be thankful that it was a standard ultrasound & not a transvaginal... Weird dress, by the way.

"Easily the scarviest season we're ever had."

The introductions are always awkward. Your worth is measured in hoots & hollers. The quiet ones are always embarrassing. I think Opera Man had the least amount of hoots. Can't imagine why.

Bachelor in Paradise aka Giant Orgy on an Island. And did someone get shot?!

Oh, Andrew. Enough.

Marquel.
That man can rock some red pants.
"I didn't realize you guys were all kissing her so quickly." Dude, it's The Bachelorette. The faster you kiss her, the more roses you get.
We love you, Cookie Monster.

Marcus.
Did you notice in the preview for Bach in Paradise that he's already telling another girl he loves her? #desperado
"I matured a lot & grew a lot." So, I'm going to tell a girl just a few weeks later that I love her now.

Chris.
"Why didn't Andi fall in love with this big-time farmer from small town Iowa?" It's in the question: Iowa.
"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to allow a stalker to stop the show & scare Chris into going out with her." My mouth was LITERALLY hanging open the entire time this was happening. Where was security?! I'm not going to be surprised when we see her mugshot on US Weekly.

Andi.
- Chris: "What changed for you after hometowns?" Iowa.
- Marcus: "Did it scare you that I was so open with you so early?" Yesgodyes.
- Chris S: Was he on the show?

Lie detector test results.
"Marcus said he has slept with less than 20 women. That was a lie." #lookingforloveinallthewrongplaces

These guys would be a lot more likable if the bloopers were a part of the show. Pickles? There's an oil for that!

Who will she choose? Will he propose? Will she say yes?

What do you think? Who do you think she'll choose & why? I'm gearing up for a Bachelorette Finale Party with my girlfriends next week! We'll live tweet our thoughts on the show as we sip champagne & eat Reese's Oreos. Have you tried those? OMG. #fatgirlinsideofmewins

a.

Why The Notebook is the Greatest Movie of All Time

Ryan Gosling. 

The end.




Just kidding. I mean, true, but no. Nicholas Sparks is a real pain. We know going in that someone will die, and yet, we pick up the damn book, read it & curse him when our favorite character dies. What is wrong with us women? We are the worst. And still, we read, and cry, and then we watch the movie, and cry.

I think I speak for the majority of us when I say that The Notebook is his greatest love story. We were immediately sucked into Noah & Allie's love story simply because they are both beautiful. Like, it's annoying how beautiful these two are. Then, we dive into their love story.

1. They were complete opposites.

She had money. He was poor. She had everything she could have ever wanted. He worked for everything he had, which wasn't much. He taught her how unimportant those things were. Love is all you need.

2. He would be a bird for her.

No explanation necessary.

3. They challenged each other.
They fought. A lot. They were different, so they saw the world differently. They didn't let each other get away with things. They called each other on their ish.

4. He stood with her through her illness.

Even though she didn't remember, Noah read their love story to Allie every single day in hopes that his sweetheart would come back to him, if just for a few minutes. 

5. Their love remained strong until the end.
In the most gut-wrenching scene in the entire film, Allie lays on her death bed & is herself again. Noah lays down next to her, they go to sleep & slip away together. I know many girlfriends who have said that this is how they want to go. I know many girlfriend's husbands who roll their eyes at them when they say this.

Waylon Drive

I get weirdly sentimental about things. Not the normal things. The arbitrary things. Like The Office series finale, or saying goodbye to the boys' NICU nurse, or my doctor telling me he's moving away. I guess I just chalk it up to being a lover & having attachments to the people, including Jim & Pam, who walk in & out of my life.

Yesterday was another one of those weird attachment/goodbyes. My best friend is moving. No, not away. To another city that is maybe 5 minutes farther than her current city. Now, I didn't cry or anything, but I felt the pang of nostalgia as we took pictures in the house. The house holds special memories of curling each other's hair, drinking cold beers, and eating donuts while watching Ellen.

K - we ate A LOT of donuts at your house. No wonder we're getting chunky. Not that you are.

Two of my favorite memories involve my boys. In early September last year, I was dog sitting their incredible Labradoodle, Monty. I had borrowed Scott's truck for a bridal show earlier in the day, so I was bringing it back to the house that night. It was the first month on fertility drugs & I was riding the emotional rollercoaster of waiting to find out if it had worked or not. I walked into the garage, took a cold beer out of the fridge, sat down on the couch in the living room, called Kylie & sobbed into the phone. I knew it hadn't worked. It was another month in a long line of months without getting pregnant. She calmed me down enough to convince to run upstairs & take one her emergency pregnancy tests. True friendship is peeing on a stick while talking on the phone. I waited the mandatory 2 minutes, wiped tears off my face, looked at the test & said, "Oh...well...it's positive." I quickly went back downstairs & replaced the unopened beer in the fridge.

The whole middle part of this story was spent in a bed. I'm sure you've heard it before. {There was another fun memory of showing up to Kylie's house with my ultrasound picture, which showed that I was having twins. Her poor cousin was introduced to a very foul-mouthed, terrified, twin-mom-to-be that night. Sorry about that, Seany.}

On May 8, I was the size of a barn, Maddie was with Grammy & Papa, & I was restless. I told Josh I was going to Kylie's for a while. I was hoping that being in the house where I found out I was pregnant would somehow help my water break - she made me sit on the floor. I sat & chatted with Scott & Kylie for about 2 hours before giving up & going home. That night was fitful. I contracted all night. I woke up contracting. I had just a few hours to get these boys out before Kylie was leaving for a trip & could potentially miss their births. But we were in luck. The house worked. The boys were born just a few short hours later, my best friend sitting next to me, while I mouth-breathed in recovery.

Yesterday, I took the boys & placed them in the same spot I sat on the floor. The house is not magical, but it has memories. Special memories. Sentimental memories. I will never forget the night I found out I was pregnant with what I thought was one baby. Or the time I sat stunned beyond words, well, beyond words that weren't 4 letters in length, with the knowledge that I was having TWO babies. Or the night that I spent waiting for these boys to arrive, willing them to come out before Auntie KyKy left.

The new house will hold new memories. My kids will play there with her kids. We'll have donuts & brunches. We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll watch The Bachelor. But the old house will always be special to me.

The BEST Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 9

Let me start by pointing out the best thing about this episode: NO SCARVES!!!

We have arrived at overnights, which I shall affectionately call, "Did they or didn't they?" This is the week where we all dissect the clues to decide whether or not the contestants "got to know each other better or not." In my naivety, I choose to believe that they all wait until marriage, to which my husband laughs maniacally. Apparently, most people don't do this anymore...? I digress. My question to the contestants when we hit overnights is if you're sleeping with multiple dudes, doesn't the winner get a little pissed when you reveal that you made it with 2 other guys? Good luck explaining that one, Andi!

Recap. 

Andi says she feels like there are things she doesn't know about Nick. #einstein

Andi is worried about Josh being a playboy. Wasn't it Andi who complained each week about how she always picks dbags guys like Josh & winds up getting hurt? #definitionofinsanity

Iowa.Iowa.Iowa. Get over IOWA. If I have to hear her say the word IOWA one more time, I'm going to throw my tv in the trash. We get it. Chris isn't the one. Let's not blame it on IOWA. Let's just say that he is too nice, good, kind, amazing for you and not enough of a jerk.

Nick.

Are you only allowed on this show if you have muscles & a tan? I wanna see a guy with chest hair, a farmer's tan & a beer belly. I'd totally watch that show. 

"I wanna tell Andi I love her before the fantasy suite." Gee, I wonder why.

"I had some time this week, so I did what any 33-year-old guy from the Midwest would do..." I wrote a story about how I'm going to lock you in my basement. 10 to 1 odds that someone from the show wrote this "fairy tale" & made him tell her he put it together. By the way, it looks like my 3-year-old drew it.

"Definitely excited about 'talking your ear off all night long.'" Is that code?

The "I love you." O.M.G. Remember the scene in The Office when Michael has to fire someone & just drags it out? "Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Why do you ask?" THIS is how that felt. 

Josh.

"I'm carrying that happiness (from my date with Nick) into today, but they're, like, separate." So, I'm going to be happy with you while I think about another guy.

"There's something hot about a guy who can speak Spanish while we're in the DR:" "Hola, Andi. Como estas?" Slow down, Josh. Let me get out my translator.

"We're in the Dominican. We HAVE to play baseball."  1+1=huh?

"What kind of dad do you think you'll be?" What's he going to say, Andi? "Oh yeah, I'll be a total jerk, deadbeat who ignores his kids." OBVIOUSLY, he's going to say a great one. 

"I mean, yeah, we have more time to like hang out and connect more." Message received, Josh.

I don't know about Chris, but I'm going to make out with him just to be sure.

Chris. 

I was just so waiting for that horse to take off with Andi like in The Wedding Planner. Chris looked like he was getting a kick out of her misfortune.

Iowa.Iowa.Iowa. Yeah, the DR looks JUST like Iowa. Riiiiight.

"Chris is definitely here for a reason." And that reason is that you gave him a rose last week.

"Iowa's great. It really was." Really? Tell that to your face. It looks as if you're talking about how great a pelvic exam is.

Again, it's Iowa. No one is asking you to move to Antartica. 

"I just don't wanna blame it on Iowa. It's, like, a struggle." Is this Old Yeller? Just shoot him & put him out of his misery.

If it were ok or appropriate to give a Bachelorette contestant a standing ovation, this would have been the perfect moment. Chris was the ultimo supremo stand-up guy while Andi told him that she is trying to force herself into feelings for him & that Iowa is the problem. You dodged a bullet, my friend.

Rose Ceremony.

And then, there were 2. 

Next week.

Boys turn into Mean Girls & reveal all the crap that happened behind the scenes, they gang up on one or more of the contestants, then Andi comes out & they ask her why she sent them home when they had such a deep connection.

And again, I have lost more brain cells.

a.

For once, I agree with Kim K

Kim Kardashian is in the news again today. Shockingly, it's not because of her badonkadonk. No, Kimmy is in the news for a comment she made about pregnancy. "I recommend hiding for a good year and having no pregnancy style." Yes, yes, and amen!

If you will remember briefly my pregnancy style, you will remember how I rocked the yoga pants up over the belly, coupled with slippers that had deflated balls. 

When I set out to get pregnant, I was quite excited. I was a bit of a tub when I got pregnant with Maddie. This time would be different. I now weighed 60 pounds less than I did when I found out I was pregnant with Maddie. I was going to look cute. Then, we got the news: it's twins. While I wouldn't change what happened for the world, I would be lying if I said I was less than thrilled at the prospect of suddenly becoming the size of a small island. 

I invested in a whole new pregnancy wardrobe as my gut began to swell. I was going to look cute. Then we got more news: you're staying in bed for the rest of your pregnancy. Then, off to the hospital. Ok, so, really there was no point in wearing the darling clothes I had bought, so yoga pants replaced skinny jeans, slippers replaced boots. 

As my body began to expand, my desire to look cute deflated. Yes, I still showered, dressed & did my hair, but I was less inclined to put together a styled look. What's the point? Your chest is growing at a rapid rate, your belly & boobs have become one entity, your butt is either ballooning (like our dear friend Kim) or it is slipping down the backside of your legs (like mine did), your ankles look like stuffed sausages in your strappy sandles (oh, Kim. We empathize with you.), and your face suddenly begins to look like the Blueberry girl in Willy Wonka. That pregnancy glow only lasts about a month. You spend your first 3 months puking, you feel good for a week, and suddenly you are a sweaty mess with fat ankles. 

So, yes, when you think about it, Kim K is right. It wouldn't be so bad to spend your entire pregnancy in the house, wrapped up in a blanket. Less pressure, more comfort. Girl, you are spot on. For once.

The Bach | Week 8 Recap

"...what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

This is how I feel after watching The Bach yesterday. I feel dumber having watched this, listened to it, and engaged it. 

Hometowns.
This is the most awkward episode each season because the Bachelor/ette is essentially rejecting your family when he or she sends you home. I liked you enough to bring you to the final 4, but then I met your family & it was a deal breaker. Ouch.

Nick.
I swear that this man is vying for an acting gig. My best friend is in MAJOR denial about what a d-bag this dude is. The tears with his mom (what was with that outfit?!) was just so over-the-top. I will admit, however, the scene with his little sister was darling. But for the love of all that is holy! Stop with the scarves!

Chris.
I was so offended by just about everything that came out of Andi's mouth watching this hometown. Her misgivings were about moving to Iowa. I mean, ok, it's Iowa, but at least pretend you're willing to entertain the idea. "What would I even do here? What would I do for work here?" It's not Mars, Andi. It's Iowa. You can still be a district attorney in a place like Iowa. Or be a farmer's wife. Ha!

They are clearly not right for each other. I can't wait to see him ride off into sunset with a darling, sweet cowgirl who wants to be his partner on that giant farm. Honestly, she doesn't deserve Chris or his AMAZING mom. Wasn't she a doll?!

Josh.
This entire segment had nothing to do with Andi or Josh. This was Aaron's chance to be seen on television so he can be drafted by the NFL. Complete, unabashed advertising.

Marcus.
All I could think when I saw his mom was that she used to hit him. She told Andi that he wasn't open with his feelings...umm, probably because he's afraid of you, Mommy Dearest.

Eric Hill.
This was the most offensive segment ever. Yes, they knew Eric, liked Eric, and were probably sort of friends, but the overly dramatized mourning was obnoxious. If he were my family member, I would have been so offended. Playing up this scene...omg. I have no words that don't involve swearing.

Why are we at Chris Harrison's house? And why does the camera man drop the camera & let it roll? This was so bizarre. Even for The Bach.

Andi realizes that people have lives outside of this show when she hears about Eric's death. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Rose ceremony.
Shocker. Marcus is eliminated. BUT only after Andi has her Academy Award-worthy breakdown over Eric. 

Next week.
Dominican Republic aka overnights. This is week we find out how skanky the contestants are. Gee. Can't wait.

xoxo,
a.

The Bach | Week 7

It's week 7 & we are in Brussels. I cannot watch this show without a look of disgust on my face for the entire 2 hours that I am subject to this smut. This week, the boys are all tweaked out over Nick. Does anyone else think he looks like a serial killer? Or at least someone who will tie Andi up in his basement at some point?

Apparently, this week's episode was sponsored by a scarf company. They should offer a scarf to their viewers so we can hang ourselves after losing brain cells while watching this.

First one-on-one: Marcus.

His creepiness pales in comparison to Nick at this point. I was totally icked out by his zeal in the beginning, but the Serial Killer has now taken this role. Andi asks about Marcus' family & he shares a crappy childhood. #sympathyrose

More making out.

Date card comes & the Serial Killer says "I would do anything & will do anything to take advantage of every opportunity I have to spend time with her, kidnap her see her, to get that rose."

The Serial Killer takes it upon himself to sneak up to Andi's room to murder her make sure he gets a rose. This chick sees it as romantic while everyone & their mother sees it as strategy. Duhhhh!

More making out. And like, ridiculous making out. PDA is one thing - this was like foreplay on a street corner.

Second one-on-one: Josh.

I am too distracted by Josh's skin-tight sweater. Dude loves his muscles.

Andi says about 4532403 times that she wants Josh to open up & tell her he's falling in love with her. I actually yelled at the tv, "WE GET IT!" He finally says it, so then...

...they make out. And then suddenly, there is some stupid band playing in a piazza again.

Group date.

No Personality, The Farmer, The Serial Killer & Brian start out the date pedaling Andi's butt down railroad tracks on rail bikes. Then she tells them the place they are at is sacred or some crap & they can't kiss. The Serial Killer takes her off to tell her that she's in love with him & that he will be taking her to hometown to murder her. And no surprise, Andi gives the Serial Killer the rose. And the whole earth groans.

Nick gets a one-on-one. He goes home to the most awkward, uncomfortable silence I have ever experienced. Finally, Brian mans up & tells Nick that they all think he's a fake & that he'll get to the final 3 & walk.

And eww. Chris is wearing dress shoes with no socks. 

Rose Ceremony.

Dylan & Brian go home. To no one's surprise.

Next week.

Hometowns. This week is always the most awkward because when the Bach picks her final 3, she is essentially rejecting someone's family. It's hilarious & uncomfortable.

Ugh. This show.

A.