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Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 3

What an AMAZING week. It's AMAZING how annoying a room full of women can be. It's AMAZING that The Bachelor gets more irritating each week.


1st 1-on-1

Kaitlyn. Trip to Costco for "enough ketchup to fill a hot tub" in her Kelly Kapowski crop top. "I don't think there's anything more romantic than cooking dinner together." I can think of about 453879 things that are more romantic, my dear. More kissing. Gobbling like a turkey. More kissing. Chris' laugh. I was dying. He laughs like my 4-year-old daughter.

And also, it's a date with Jimmy Kimmel...the producers are clearly running out of material.

Jimmy: I think we all assume you're making love in the fantasy suite. 
Chris: *shit-eatin' grin*
Jimmy: Will you be angry with Chris if he's shagging 3 other girls?
Kaitlyn: I mean, I can't. You have to test out a car before you buy it. 
You mean they aren't all virgins until their wedding night!?!?!?

Obviously, she gets a rose. I mean, she ate steak, drank whiskey, & give Chris the go-ahead to sleep his way through the group. Duh. More making out.

Date #2 

Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly.

We're basically watching Kim Kardashian shuck corn, milk a goat, drink said milk, and rastle a pig. It's...well, what you would expect: a train wreck. And for the LOVEOFALLTHATISHOLY!! I am so SICK of looking at Jillian's ass. We know that it's toned - cover it up, Arnold!

Carly wins. "You are a man, and I am a woman, so let's make out. Awkwardly."

"There is a fair amount of kissing going on...which is the point." Is it? I thought it was to find a wife...?

MACKENZIE! Your crazy is showing! Put it away! Why is he kissing everyone else? I don't know because he likes all the girls in the house? Because he hasn't chosen you? Kill me. What a doofus.

Becca awkwardly doesn't kiss Chris & then follows it up with an equally awkward speech. This show makes me so uncomfortable. "I just hope you don't need a kiss to get a rose." She gets the rose.

2nd 1-on-1

Whitney. I, honestly, CANNOT stand the Minnie Mouse-ness. AND I would like to point out, during her date, she has a few moments when she's talking & the nasal voice is gone. So, it's an act, which annoys me. BUT I hate to say it, because this show is so fake, but I really liked Whitney at the end of this date. She is now my favorite - errr, I'm not actively rooting against her.

So, we're crashing a wedding. I'm so sure. It was both funny & awkward, but her attitude, the way she spoke to the guests & how she carried herself made her super endearing.

And his dancing. OMG. I die. More making out. And a rose. She rolled the "cab."

Pool party

I'm confused. Typically, when there is swimming, one puts on a bathing suit, throws their hair up in a messy bun, albeit a cute messy bun, and NO MAKE-UP because water washes your make-up off & then you look like a psycho killer with mascara running down your face. I guess these girls didn't get the memo.

One hour of primping for a "pool" party.

Juelia tells Chris her story. So so sad.

The sharks descend.

Chris takes Jade up to his room for some soft-core porn. I mean, my underwear cover more than her bathing suit "bottoms."

Jillian waits like a stalker in his hot tub. She is as ripped as he is. I'm legitimately scared of her.

Mackenzie, Megan & psycho Ashley I. come crash the hot tub. ASHLEY! Stop throwing a freaking temper tantrum. There are no rules here. The name of the game is to get as much time with Chris as possible. You think someone should just walk away after 10 minutes? Relaxicab. I am honestly shocked Chris gave her a rose after she behaved like my 4-year-old daughter, crying, bitching & gossiping. And then that kissing. Omg. He probably needed a towel to wipe off all the slobber on his face.

Rose ceremony

Jade, Juelia, Mackenize (whhhhyyyyyy!!?!?!?), Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, Ashley I. Count your lucky stars, Ashley. You got a sympathy rose.

Jimmy's hysterical limo ride is spot-on. "We had 4 days together!!!! Wahhhhhh!"

Until next week!
xoxo,
A.

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