The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 43:32 PM
Group date #1
"Let's do what feels natural." I mean, it's a room full of Kim K's.
Ashley I., you are not in a Janet Jackson music video. BUTTON.YOUR.PANTS. It's not easier access for Chris.
Bikini weekend. A bunch of screaming girls in skimpy bikinis, eventually skinny dipping. "This is a date made for bimbos" - Kelsey
False. This is a date made for bimbos.
Chris' sisters come to interview the girls to pick one for a one-on-one. We find Jillian's ass blacked out. Again. Perhaps she doesn't know that you are supposed to cover your ass when you are out in public?
Minnie Mouse. "I wouldn't have come if it had been anyone else." Riiiiight.
Britt. Is there a front-runner? Yeah, it's me.
Jade. "You have lots of special talents." Umm, yeah, miss sugary sweet forgot to mention the porn films...WOOPS! Honest mistake.
Carly. "I want an old man to love me."
Jade wins. By omission.
Back to the group date
Kelsey needs a slap across her fake smile.
When did Chris get a beer belly?
Camping trip. I'm sorry...this sounds like the "plot" to a porn film.
Hey, wait! Did you guys know that Ashley I. is a virgin? Why didn't she mention that?
"Do you believe in aliens? This is like the area where they probed me." Mackenzie! Shut up with the aliens.
"What are you? Look at the moon. You're funny. We're sitting here. Like, that's weird to me. At this point, Chris, I like really love you and I love everything about you. I actually really do feel that way and I hope that resonates in your mind tonight." Someone get this girl an Academy Award for her role as a freaking psychopath.
If I have to watch Ashley I. try to suck Chris' mouth off of his face one more time, I am going to throw something at my TV. You're a virgin?? You don't say!
"Most guys say I can't figure you out." It is hard to understand crazy.
"His face, seemed to me, like he got it."
"I have no idea what she's saying right now."
"OMG. I can't even describe it. I AM A PRINCESS. I'm supposed to be on a date. I can't even look in there. Like, I should be the one in there. I am like a Disney princess. It, honestly, physically pains me." ASHLEY! Your crazy is showing! Definitely put on your ballgown & pretend that you should be on the date. That's totally normal. And have some corn while you're at it.
I hate to say it, but I was totally waiting for Jade to eat it coming down those stairs. Prince Farming & Jaderella have dinner, but don't touch their damn food. "I have a surprise for you:" we are going to
watch your porno waltz.
I mean, the other 4 shouldn't have even started. Hulk dominates them, and wins the date.
"When Jillian's talking, I become confused because the words come out faster than my brain can process. Occasionally, as Hulk's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns & dancing fairies. Quite beautiful." Hulk talks about herself ad nauseam and then asks if Chris would rather have sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for 5 years. And weirdly, he doesn't give her the rose. What?! That's totally what I would have asked Chris if I were trying to win his affection.
"What did you gather from our conversation?"
"Well, I actually wanted to talk more about it...it was intriguing...whatever you were trying to say..."
"I'm a virgin."
"I wouldn't have guessed that. People guess that? I...totally respect that, yeah. No, yeah, that's impressive." Translation = shit. I have to give her a rose tonight.
"I was actually shocked that Ashley was a virgin because I've seen her makeout with Chris like 13,000 times. Her mouth is not a virgin." I die.
Did you guys know that Ashley is a virgin? I had no clue! And quiet, sweet Becca pipes in with, "I'm a virgin too."
I was a virgin when I got married, but you know what? I didn't feel the need to tell people 498734987329 times a day. Odd, right?!
I think Britt is on her period. "Kaitlyn stripped and you gave her a rose. Why are you doing this to me?"
"I mean, I see both sides. Kaitlyn has a lot of different fASSets."
"I am here to find my wife. Get out if you question that.
I also need to make sure she has a nice backside, so that's why Kaitlyn got the rose."
Minnie Mouse, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I. (virgin-sympathy rose), Britt.
Peace out, Crazytown! I was slightly afraid she was going to stab him before walking out.
What do you think? Who do you think he chooses? Will he propose, and will she say yes?
Until next Monday...