The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Read | Week 2

If you ever doubted for a second that the Bachelor is just another scripted reality show, watch the rose ceremony from this week. I mean, come on. Mental Molly has lost her mind, & he gives her a rose.

I quit.

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Ok, I'm back.

You have no idea how many times I yell at the tv, "HAVE SOME FREAKING SELF RESPECT!" to these "ladies." I mean, he didn't pick you, but definitely cry & beg him to let you come back in & see how that works out for you, Kimberly. Guys love desperation.

Kardashian country

This week, we join #princefarming back at the Bachelor house with the "ladies" all vying for his attention. Weird. Group date #1: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara. "Show me your country." Translation: bust out your slutty cutoffs & pair them with cowboy boots. First "date" begins with a pool party where Chris watches 6 "ladies" run around in bikinis for an hour, and then they ride tractors through downtown LA in bikinis...I mean, this sounds like the plot for an adult film. In spite of Ashley I's quip about being "more Kardashian than country," she wins the rose.

Head case

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jillian & Megan break into Chris' house & snoop. Megan proceeds to try on his motorcycle helmet & slam her head up against every surface in his house. She clearly had brain damage before she started.

Aliens & baggage

Chris takes Mackenize out to chat where she drops the kid bomb on him. "Ummmm, well, okkkkk, ummm, I have a child." His name is Kale. Like the lettuce. "Ummmm, soooo, do you believe in alienssss?" Kid bomb = sympathy rose."I feel like this could be the beginning of my fairy tale." False.

Megan's love note

Megan gets a love note from #princefarming and has to be told that it's a date card. Duh. "The butteries in my stomach are colorful & smiling." Ummm... Aaaaand sympathy rose. Makeout session.

Zombie Apocalypse

Nothing irritates me more than scaredy cat, screaming ADULT women. We're not in a horror movie, "ladies" (although, this show does feel like something out of a horror flick). So, Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt join Farmer Boy in the middle of nowhere to shoot zombies with paintball guns, where Ashley S. goes absolutely bat-shit crazy. I mean, girlfriend is either absolutely out of her ever-loving mind or she is taking some intense psychotropic drugs. Poor Chris can't even. 

Once Chris has kissed every "lady" in the group, he finally gives the date rose to Kaitlyn. 

Oh, and while all of this nonsense is ensuing, our hometown hero, Jordan, is doing handstands & twerking. I mean, her mother must be so proud.

Cocktail party

Basically, all you need to know is that Farmer Boy makes out with everyone except drunk-as-a-skunk, Jordan.

Rose ceremony

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia (omg. how horrible was it when Jillian thought he said her name & then she totally eats it on the rug & cackles like a witch!!), Amber, Tracy, Nikki, Jillian, Jade, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and then just for shock value: Ashley S. I hate this show, I hate this show, I hate this show.

See you next week.

xoxo,

A.