SOCIAL MEDIA

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Read | Week 1

Can we just? 80/40, Lacey? Poor Marcus hung his head in shame when that "math" flew out of her mouth. You picked a winner, dear.


Oh my. There are so many snarky things to say. If you aren't familiar with Prince Farming, here is what you need to know: farmer, Iowa, rich, muscles.

Love is a lot like farming. We open on farmer Chris kneeling in his crops, eating some kind of ORGANIC plant. I mean, Mackenize, can I help you to a dictionary where we can get a rundown on what the word organic means? I'm guessing she only buys organic foods, and yet, has no idea what the hell it means. Whole Foods' marketing guy just saw dollar signs. ANYWAY, so, the opening Fabio scenes are just ugh. Gazing out over his crops on his Harley, the ever-popular shower scene where he showers outdoors as the soap rolls down his spray-tanned muscles.


Meet the "ladies" - these are the notes I took while I watched. Are they rude? Sure, but you expected nothing less.

"I wish I were a polygamist right now."

Britt (waitress) Hyperventilator, note for a free "hug," first impression rose, first to mack on Prince Farming. Now, I'm not going to lie, that was a flippin' hot kiss and I was totally feelin' it too. I gasped & yelled, "KISSING WHORE," but you know, it was hot, so that's all that matters.
Whitney (fertility nurse) Minnie Mouse. Gets a rose. Kill me. I can't listen to her for another week.
Kelsey (guidance counselor) Poor dear is a widow. She seems too nice for this show. Maybe she should try The Price is Right or something?
Megan (Make-up artist) No notes. I clearly was unimpressed. Rose.
Ashley I (Freelance journalist) So, freelance journalist = unemployed, but that's ok because she's gorgeous & funny. Rose.
Trina (Special Ed Teacher) Again, no notes. Unimpressed. Although, on her Bach bio, when asked what kind of fruit or vegetable she would be, she answered, "I would be a coconut. I love how they grow in such beautiful, exotic yet uninhabited places. No one would ever eat me! I would smell and taste delicious too! And I'd have lots of health benefits to offer." I would maybe not tell people you actually went to graduate school, love. Rose.
Reegan (donated tissue saleswoman) Remember Dick in a Box? Well, this wasn't funny & JT wasn't there. Heart in a box. Heart in a freaking box. She was sent packin'. Shocker.
Tara (sport fishing enthusiast) Sport. Fishing. Enthusiast. Please tell me she just omitted her actual occupation OR she's rich as eff and can do whatever she wants with her days. Initially, I liked this girl. She stepped out in cowboy boots & 'Dukes. I was like, oh, hell yes. Then she starts shooting Jameson. Appreciate that she isn't sipping champs with her snooty pinky in the air, but then, she shoots one too many shots. Jameson 1, Tara 0. I was really hoping she'd fall off those stairs. Rose. Because why not.
Nikki (FORMER NFL cheerleader) No notes. Just that being a FORMER-something does not an occupation make. Where the hell do they find these people!? Rose.
Amanda (ballet teacher) If it were possible for someone to kill you with their eyes, this would be the girl who could do it. No rose. He was scared too.
Jillian (news correspondent) All I wrote was buff arms. No rose. He doesn't want a girl who could kick his ass.
Mackenzie (mom) "What's alfalfa? Is it organic?" I actually gave her a rose. I was flummoxed.
Ashley S (hair stylist) "ONION. LOOK AT THAT FREAKING ONION." You get picked from thousands of girls in America, and you can't stop at ONE glass of champs? They really need to start showing the Bach the behind the scenes footage before he picks. Rose.
Kaitlyn (dance instructor) "You can plow my fields anytime." Aww, her mom must be so proud. Rose.
Amber (bartender) No notes. Seems nice. Rose.
Samantha (fashion designer) Her profile says she can't live without lip gloss. Iowa is not for you. Rose.
Michelle (wedding cake decorator) Neither Chris or I were impressed. No rose.
Juelia (esthetician) Rose
Becca (chiropractic assistant) Rose
Tandra (exec assistant) Boot her just for the name, Chris. Ugh. Rose.
Alissa (flight attendant) My only notes: boobs. Aaaand whaddya know? She gets a rose.
Jordan (student - whiskey) Typically, when a hometown girl is on a show, you rally, you make signs, you hoot & holler. This is not the case for Jordan. Girlfriend is from Windsor and was already 3 sheets to the WIND when she arrived. He likes the drunkies. She got a rose too.
Nicole (real estate agent) You want to make an impression against a sea of airheads, but the pig nose? Really? He didn't dig it either. No rose.
Brittany (WWE diva in training) They are clearly not #soulesmates. No rose.
Carly (cruise ship singer) Pollyanna was adorable. Super cheesy karaoke, but he dug it. Rose.
Tracy (4th grade teacher) Note from her "class." Rose.
Bo (plus-size model) ABC, we see right through you. No rose.
Kimberly (yoga instructor) Lots of body builder-ish ladies this season. And they all got sent packing. Guys don't really love the whole beefy girl thing. No rose.
Kara (hs soccer coach) Too aggressive for me.
Jade (cosmetics developer) He dug her. Rose.

This season looks...dramatic. Clearly, Chris & some chick make it in the tent & then e'rybody finds out. Looks like he's not the only kissing whore on the show this season.

Who do you think wins? Who do you like? Who do you hate? If you're participating in the Bachelor Bracket, just email me your lists (this is just for fun - no prize money is involved, so relaxicab).

Happy Baching!


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