Best Damn Bachette Recap | Episode 1

Oh, shit! Two-night event?! As if one night wasn't enough to make me want to scratch my eyeballs out with a dull knife.

This is episode one so they want to showcase their best bach's (baches?). Maybe best is a stretch.

Jonathan (the car whisperer): Ok, he's the token parent. Got to have one every season. He lives in Detroit, so he's out. I'd rather live in like Arlington, Iowa or something.

We need to keep Josh on just for the sheer fact that he's a firefighter. I'm sorry, I meant STRIPPER. He's a mother flipping stripper, guys.

Brady. Just no.

Kuna, Idado. I'm guessing Joshua's only options are fat girls because they are all snorking potatoes all day er'yday.

Ian is too hard to say. Also, he looks like Captain Hook with that 5 o'clock shadow. Now, let me preface this super bitchy statement by saying, I am a cry-er. I will cry over moving stories at the drop of a hat. HOWEVER, the woe-is-me stories on THIS SHOW make me want to roll my eyes. I feel like they're playing the sympathy card.

Jared is one hairy dude.

Tony/Buddha: Man, I had high hopes for this dude. That hair tho. But no, just no. He talks to his frickin' plants. "My life is a giant puzzle piece...and I understand...the shapes of the puzzle pieces." We're starting the show off high as a kite, apparently.

Now, I like a man who takes care of himself and has a ripped body (i.e. my husband), however, this seems a little bit like the livin-in-the-glory-days thing with Ben. And another sympathy card...may she rest in peace.

Guys Popes in a Volkswagen Limo

Jonathan, Miami Vice called. They want their suit back.

Hey, I know. Let's only pick the guys who want Britt to come out of the limo to make Kaitlyn feel like a complete loser. What better way to make 2 girls hate each other than to have 43905739785 men salivating over one while the other one stands there awkwardly.

"Love Man is my alter ego."  I just threw up in my mouth.

"Britt is known for being a skank making people comfortable. It takes me some time." I don't care. You don't have time for that shit. Force yourself to be lively for 5 minutes, and quit your bitching.

JJ, you get major bonus points for asking to puck Kaitlyn.

Ryan M. is a junkyard specialist. Goodbye.

Daniel. Fashion Designer. So, Ryan was right. This is the gay bachelor.

He's stripping? Really?

Joe brings moonshine. I like him already.

OMG, Tanner. The tissues. Britt, take a hint. Sack up.

Kaitlyn finds her balls & runs inside to mingle.

Britt: "But that's not fair...because I didn't think of it first. Omg. I can't believe some of these guys want Kaitlyn. I thought everyone wanted me."

Tony: Ummm, black eye? Way to make an impression. Love the recycled speech too, dude.

Cocktail Party

Ok, I am clearly #teamkaitlyn, but just give girlfriend a break. She is nervous. She makes jokes when she's nervous. However, Britt makes her feel bad by pulling out the, "Oh my, I am here to find a best friend and a soul mate. I would never play the game or manipulate at all. I am just so here for the right reasons."

Buddha: "Touch is very important to me. The box with Britt's name on it was pulsating." Oh, so, he's a serial killer. Ok, cool.

Prom Queen Voting

Go place a rose in the box of the girl you choose. That's completely normal.

Classic Ryan quotes: "Is this the gay bachelor?"

"You're lucky I'm not raping you right now."

"You do suck. Everything about you."

Peace out, drunky.

Tighties in the pool, ass-grabbing, drinking, debauchery. Typical opening night shenanigans.

Shawn, pick Shawn. He's my favorite. OMGeeeeeee. His nephew drew her a picture! I think my ovaries just did a backhand spring.

Music crescendos & we are forced into watching more of this shit tonight. To be continued...

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