The BEST Bach in Paradise Recap EVER | Week 4

I literally rolled Stress Away on my wrists before I pressed play on this episode.

Chace Crawford's twin gets a date card & picks whiney Sarah. This will be no fun at all, Chace.

Cody, the meat head, enters with a date card & asks Clare out.

Zach hits her with the "I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket" spiel. And suddenly, it's icy cold in Tulum, Meheeco.

As much as Zach hemmed & hawed, Clare still decides to turn Cody down...? Maybe because his arms are wider than his head. That's always a bad sign.

Marcus drops the L word. I mean, it's been a long time coming...what? Three weeks?

Enter Kalon. Michelle: "He's an [bleep]." Perfectly summed up.

Kalon: "Today's date is, obviously, more about me." And no one wants anything to do with him. How many people are you going to ask out, dude?

I suppose he's lucky enough that he likes himself so much. "This is the perfect place to re-fall in love with myself." Get used to it, bro.

Jesse comes strolling up & takes Jackie out. Poor Marquel can't catch a break.

Cody can't get with Clare, so he decides to make a move on Michelle. That's gotta feel good to be the runner up...

AshLee has the audacity to think that there are only a couple of cameras in the house, & that she can run her mouth wherever, & she won't get caught. I'm sorry, honey, have you ever watched a reality show?

So, AshLee is running her mouth about Clare & Pabs doin' it in the ocean. I mean...Pabs was the one who told Clare he liked [bleeping] her. Sorry, Clare.

Michelle: "You don't mess with Clare Crawley. Ever."  #catfight

AshLee (let me pause & say that I couldn't help but picture Regina George as she was talking): "Honestly...I have no idea what I did wrong. I would never say something to hurt you." Funny. Pretty sure you let everyone know what you said. This is what we call backtracking. I had really hoped to see Clare karate chop her throat. Oh well, there's always next week!

Cody: "I wanna be honest with you, I need a rose like you."

Poor Graham is in the dark about Cruela DeVil so Michelle enlightens him. I'm suddenly questioning Graham's ditz level.

Lacy > Marcus
Clare > Zack (which is dumb because he's clearly being open about keeping things light & not being tied down.)
AshLee > Graham...walks off camera.


Ugh. You, tease.

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