The BEST Bach in Paradise Recap | Week 1

I know what you're thinking. You're judging me. Hell, I'm judging myself. We have reached a new low as a country when this qualifies as entertainment. Let me say, I do not watch these shows to increase my IQ. I do, however, believe, that by watching people act a fool, only solidifies who I want to be & who I do not want to be. I do not want to be these loons. With that said, let's dive into this smut.

Apparently, Lacy didn't get the dress code memo.

"You're all here to find love." As the girls sit in bikinis & some guy already has his shirt off. Chris, I think the word you're looking for is lust.

Lacy: "I will make myself known & the guys will notice me." I mean, when you have 2 cantaloupes attached to your upper torso...

Marcus: "Everyone is out having fun & partying." And I am sitting here being whiny about Andi months later.

Elise & Dylan are already making out. What is it with this girl & walking down stairs?? It's like watching my 2-year-old nephew!

AshLee & Graham or Clare & Graham. Is it just me or could this guy be Steve Nash's doppleganger? Battle lines are drawn. Clare is the first girl to throw down the gauntlet & move in on someone's crush. Cue: AshLee crying in the bathroom. "I want to be cute & flirty, but I don't want to be overbearing." #clingy #stalker

Clare: "I don't want drama." I love that they cut this scene to make it look like Clare is a crazy mofo talking to a raccoon. 

So, Clare offers to dump Graham so that the drama queen can have her way. Sweet, but dumb. Graham graciously understands Clare's motives. Two seconds later, Clare is running up the beach to ask Graham's friend out. #seemslegit

Graham tries to get AshLee's attention & she walks away. "Let's just talk tomorrow or another time." I'm sorry...what about your behavior is NOT overbearing?

Clare & Robert (aka the poor man's Chace Crawford). We never see the "fire ants" that Clare sees all over Rob's backpack, but I'm sure they were there. #wink Cue: tan, muscular guy taking his shirt off. And let's definitely take our shoes off before climbing up jagged rocks.

I'm guessing she was a cheerleader in high school.

Sarah gets the 2nd date card. She chooses Marcus. Solo traje de bano. "Doesn't bano mean like, toilet or something?" The only logical thing to do is to take our clothes off & head down these dark stairs.

Lacy is crying again. "I need some fresh air." they sit outside...with the wind blowing in her face... how fresh do you need your air, Lacy?

In walks Michelle Money. You can't have drama without Michelle Money.

MARQUEL FTW!! Let's get this poor guy out of the friend zone!

"I feel like the guys are way more relaxed than the girls." Honey, this is called life. 

Lacy gets the 4th date card. "I'm not sure. I'm 80/40." My brain hurts. Josh didn't even believe me when I told him about that math. 

Dylan: "I think Lacy is throwing all of her eggs into Robert's basket right now." So that he can fertilize them.

Marcus: "It's a huge shocker for me, feeling this way, and meeting someone that I could see myself building a relationship with." I'm sorry. Was he being facetious? You declared your love for Andi in week 2. 

Rose Ceremony.
Where has Ben S. been this entire episode? And I so don't want Michelle K. to leave yet. I mean, she is hardcore cray, so let's let her get warmed up before we kick her out of Meheeco.

DANGIT. Michelle, no. We need some of your crazy this season!

Michelle Money: "I can't figure Michelle out. She has this look like she's going to kill you & your whole family, and like she's about to lose it." #spoton

Marquel: "Let's be honest. The coconut doesn't fall far from the crazy tree."

Marquel > Michelle
Graham > AshLee (You shoulda dodged that crazy train, buddy)
Elise: "I literally would have said I love you to Dylan,'s so soon." I.can't.even.
Dylan > Elise
Marcus > Lacy
Robert > Clare
Ben > Sarah (I literally yelled NO, SHE'S CRAZY!)

Daniella goes home.

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