Where Do Babies Come From?

My 4-year-old was fascinated by nursing. It was like the coolest thing to her. I, however, don't know how fascinating I would say lactating out of a fat bag hanging off your body truly is. It's fine. I mean, yeah, all the feelings when you're nursing ONE, but try two vultures sucking the life out of your tired, flappy fat bags. It was all the annoyed feelings. No hate mail, please. No twins, no opinions.

Anyway, nursing. Yes, she was fascinated. We were having a lovely afternoon, just she & I, laying out by the pool. She pokes my fat bags and ponders life:

M: "So, there's no more milk in there, huh?" 
A: "Nope, it's all gone."
M: "Hmm, how does that happen?"
A: "When you stop nursing, the milk goes away."
M: "Hmm, so, men make babies then. Well, God too."
A: "Well, yes, I mean, God creates babies, and he uses men to make them."
M: "But where do they come from?"
A inside: Shiiiiiiiiit.
A: "God puts them in mommy bellies."
M: "Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Can I go swim now?"
A: "Yes, God, please, yes, go swim."

Once my heart stopped racing, I mentally slapped myself in the face. That was the least cool way to tell her where babies come from, but I'm thinking that the ripe old age of 4 is not the time to delve into the sperm, egg and uterus talk. "Well, honey, one night, mommy & daddy drank a lot of wine, and then 9 months later, I was screaming at my crotch for you to get the hell out." Boom. Parenting: nailed it.

What do you tell your little ones? I'm still too embarrassed to say penis, so I'm thinking a nice pop-up book might be in this kid's future.

Until the next weird-ass conversation,

Best Damn Finale Recap

We open with Kaitlyn's family chatting about the contestants. Is it me or does Kaitlyn's mom look like a psychic stripper? That was just the vibe I was getting.

It was HOW BIG?!

They interrogate Nick all the while knowing that Kaitlyn boned him. #awk

Nick pulls out the same speech he gave to Andi's family, pinches his balls to squeeze out some tears, and Mama Kaitlyn gives her blessing.

Nick: I'm in love with Andi...err...Kaitlyn. She's the one...well, the second one.
Mama Kaitlyn: hehe I'd love for her to be your second choice.

Moving on.

Shawn's turn. Yada yada. He loves Kaitlyn. Tears. Approval. Get to the good stuff.

Is this guy storing nuts for the winter?

Final Dates

Nick & Kaitlyn are on a boat. He's wearing her shorts again. They talk about painfully boring nothingness and I tuned out because watching my nail polish dry was more interesting than this borefest. I guess they boned and they're over it.

Nick: I got you a gift.

Kaitlyn: OMG. I'm so surprised.

Nick: It's in my bedroom pants.

He buys her a frame, puts a grainy kissing picture of the two of them in it, strings together some words that he calls a poem and then they makeout.

***

Shawn & Kaitlyn sit awkwardly in a grassy area with a cheese & wine platter that no one touches. They awkwardly talk about how this is awkward and tomorrow is going to be awkward, as she awkwardly pets Shawn's leg hair. We get it. It's awkward.

He, too, buys Kaitlyn a gift. A mason jar of memories and I could swear that there were condom wrappers in there.

Kaitlyn: Aww, remember the time we did it in Ireland? 

The Proposal

Neil Lane just pops into the villas with diamonds the size of my fist.

Kaitlyn is breathing into a paper bag as she realizes she won't be able to sleep with any other man ever.again.

The mansion? Really? This is the lowest budget in Bachelorette history. 

We hold our breath in anticipation as Nick rolls out of limo #1, like duh. He had no chance.

Kaitlyn pulls the douche monkey card and lets this ass hat ramble on for like 10 minutes about how she's the second one and he loves her and he can't wait to start their life together. He pulls out the box with a big beardy smile on his face and she says, "wait..." 

Nick: Shit.

Kaitlyn: I love-d sleeping with you, but yeah, no. 

Nick: Do you think they'll give me my own show now?

Nick gets into the confession limo, and throws his rings like a little girl.

Shawn professes his love for Kaitlyn. She says yes. Duh. Yada yada. I mean, it was actually a really sweet proposal. He done good.

Why did he get down on one knee like a 90-year-old man? I thought he was a personal trainer.

After the Final Rose

Chris Harrison: Nick, let's humiliate you one last time and show America the train wreck that is Nick Viall.

Shawn & Kaitlyn come out, make out and talk about their future...for like the next month.

Shawn & Nick sit as far away from each other as possible on a loveseat to have a come-to-Jesus.

Shawn: Neener, neener. I won.

Nick: *hangs head in shame*

The happy for now couple smile and chat about their future. Starting the pool now for how long it lasts.

***

Thanks for a great season to all of you who have faithfully read this recap smut. Although, ABC, apparently, doesn't give a shit that I have other things to do besides watching Orgy in Paradise TWICE A FREAKING WEEK. Rude.

xoxo,

Mean Mom

Definition of a mean mom [meen mom]:

- one who does not let children run around in public like wild animals
- one who does not allow children to get their way because it's easier (i.e. you WILL eat your brussel sprouts that I slaved over and you will smile with each bite because there are children starving in Africa who would shiv you for that sprout.)
- one who keeps their children from danger (i.e. No you may not suck on the end of that cord that is currently plugged into the wall.)
- one who does not stand any kind of ass hattery from the spawns

***

I have recently been complimented by three different people on what a great mom I am/how great my kids are. Thank you, yes, I know. Glad you noticed.

Now, I say this, not to toot my own horn, but to tell you that my pet peeve is bratty, ungrateful, unruly children. When I see children like that in public, I want to take them home and show them how to behave like a human being, and then give them back to their parents because more kids in this house would, literally, kill me. Plus, other people's children...barf.

I'm not saying that Maddie hasn't had a DefCon 1 level tantrum in a public place because she totally has and I was like, dude, how did I birth you? Also, if you don't stop embarrassing me, I am going to tell all of your boyfriends that you ate your boogers. Yes, they all do that. However, on the whole, good kids. If you have not nailed the death stare, you are failing parenthood. Get in front of the mirror and practice.

If you see my child acting a fool in public, if he or she hits, kicks, punches or is an all-around douche monkey, please let me know. I do not intend to have ill-behaving children. We are a "yes, ma'am, no, ma'am" operation as we learn how to behave around adults and to function in the real world.

Maybe you think I am mean. Good. I hope my children think I'm mean. I am not their best friend. I am the MOTHER. And I intend to be an mean-ass mom so that I do not have mean-ass children who turn into mean-ass adults. So, good luck to you when your unruly littles turn into unruly teenagers. My children will be the ones getting into college while yours is checking into rehab.

xoxo,

10 Reasons Ben Higgins Is The Perfect Bach

It's official: Chris Harrison said it, therefore, it's like the Bible. Ben H. is the new Bachelor.

Here's why he will be the best Bach ever.

1. He's hot.

Oy. Plaid. Meow.

2. His favorite movie is The Sandlot.

You play ball like a girl.

3. He stood up for Kaitlyn while the country slut-shamed her.

Standing O for the skank.

4. He loves his mom.

#allthefeelings

5. He loves babies.

I think my ovaries just exploded.

6. He helps the needy.

I'm poor. Help me.

7. He rocks a suit & no tie.

Meow.Again.Because meow.

8. He loves nature.

"Describe your idea of the ultimate date."

"Hiking back to a quiet place in the woods where we can be alone to bone, but also in nature outside of the normal dating activities like boning."

9. He loves Jesus.

He has a tattoo to prove it.

10. He lost gracefully, but really he wins because ew.

As opposed to these mofos...

Ready to have his babies? Too bad. Get in line.

Good luck, Ben. We already lust love you.

xoxo,

You're cool. I'm cool. Let's be friends.

I went to a BBQ last weekend at my BFF's house. Yeah, I said BFF. GTFOI. Lots of dudes drinking beer and lots of ladies chatting & fussing over the food. It's not a sexist thing - it's that we are so fecking hungry all the time because we tryna be skinny, amiright?

Anyway, I took note of the chicks. We all know each other through a mutual friend. We can all chat about whatever with ease. It's an easygoing group. The thing that made me giggle, into my second plate of pasta, was how much we all are like, "Hi. Wanna be friends?"

Some of us have already spawned; some have yet to spawn. We are all similar ages, and yet, we find ourselves with a small circle. You click with people or you don't. It's how it works.

We sent texts after we left, promising to get together after enjoying a summer evening together.

Why is it so fundamentally hard to make friends at 30?
-Are we busy? Does a bear shit outside?
-Are we tired? Hell, yes.
-Are we intimated? Usually. But why?

Between the ages of 3 & 30, how did we lose our whimsy? Mean girls.

We all know them. Hell, you might be one. I was. 

Do not f*ck with that girl in the overalls.

I am perfectly willing to admit that I have been a raging bitch. No gasps, please. I, literally, got into a fist fight in preschool with my best friend. My best freaking friend. I can, honestly, say that I have never wanted to punch Kylie in the face, but Marissa? Bitch had it coming, apparently.

I digress.

Mean girls have ruined us. We are no longer able to carelessly ask a girl to coffee because we are too busy thinking they are judging our new Birks, or the fact that we have hair that is so greasy you could fry an egg with it. 

The best way to deal with it? GTFOI. No one cares. 

Your hair is greasy, my hair is greasy. You have boob milk on your shirt, I have cheerios stuck to my jeans. You haven't bathed in a week, I haven't bathed all month. Your kids are acting like shit heads, mine are currently trying to paint the walls with milk. Let's be friends. You seem like a cool betch, I think we could be friends. I won't judge you, you don't judge me. Boom. Friends forever. 

Once you reach this level of enlightenment, add some more betches into the group because I can guarandamntee you that they want a friend too.

xoxo,

ETA: Some girls are actually mean girls and just bad apples. Don't be friends with them, but the others are cool.

The Super Stupid Men Tell All Recap

I'll admit that I spent a lot of time on my phone last night because of how painfully boring this episode was. 

Guys, we rehash Clint & JJ's gay exploits ("but I swear I'm straight"), Ian tries to dispel the dick factor and we hear about the dead mom. For whatever reason, ABC believes that we enjoy this 2-week break from finding out which douche the Bach picks to get engaged to and eventually dump.

I promise this will be short & sweet because who the feck cares about this dumb-ass episode.

Ian's mother forces him to go on national television and apologize for being a huge wanker. 

Brokeback tries to clear up his sexuality. Methinks if you have to shout it from the rooftops 15 times in one hour, you may like dudes.

Some random-ass guy gets on the panel and has a lot to say about a show he was never even on.

We ooh & ahh over Jared & Ben H. and then Kaitlyn comes out in a very see-through dress. Good thing betch does squats.

I have never. Wow. I mean, I'm not a Kaitlyn fan and there is not much virginal about this girl, but hot damn. There are some nasty people in this world. Too bad we can't see their usernames so that we can go bust some balls.

Insert shamless plug for Orgy Bachelor in Paradise. 

Until the finale next week, kittens!

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 9

I don't know aboat you, but I'm ready for this borefest to be over so we can move on to the shit show that is Bachelor in Paradise.

Shouldn't we be in a tropical paradise at this late date? I'm so over these sweaters.

Ben: "I'm falling in love with you."

Kaitlyn: "Me too, but I need a test drive first...you know, just to make sure it's love."

Benny Wenny

I, literally, yelled, "ANOTHER F*CKING SWEATER!?"

The budget must have tanked because these "intimate overnights" are just spent sitting on a couch in sweaters. Aren't we usually hang gliding or jumping out of airplanes at this point? 

Kaitlyn: "Sex is the most important part of a relationship. Do you wanna?"

Ben: "Obvs."

Kaitlyn: "I'm in love with you...and Shawn...and Nick. Let's bone."

You better eat to keep your strength up, Benny boy.

There is no point in posting this picture except to say that someone needs to locate these bootie shorts for me because my ass needs them right now. 

Kaitlyn: "I got 30 minutes of sleep last night. We did the horizontal mambo the rest of the time."

Ben: "I'm in love with you."

Kaitlyn: "Awww. Thanks, but leave because I need to go test drive these other mofos."

 Shawn's Golf Balls

Shawn: "Golf is a lot like love. There's grass, a hole and a club. Wait...what?"

I shit you not when I say that I had to rewind that line 3 times to be sure I heard him correctly. 

You guys. You freaking guys. They literally have no budget for a tropical island, so they are resorting to making contestants strip. 

You noticed how large his black box was, didn't you? You, freaking perv.

Kaitlyn: "Let's talk aboat Nick. Don't get mad."

Shawn: "I am mad."

Kaitlyn: "I didn't mean to fire you up..."

Shawn: "I'm pissed."

Kaitlyn: "Wanna have sex?"

Shawn: "Yeah, I'm not mad anymore."

The most overplayed pissing contest in Bachelorette history. We get it. You hate each other. Go bang Kaitlyn and move the F on.

Rose Ceremony

And then there were two.

Hometowns

Man, this family is over this show. 

Nick's sister: "You're doing this again?"

Nick's other sister: "Sonofabitch."

Nick's other sister: "Do you love Nick?"
Nick's 12 brothers: "Is there a game on?"

***

I'm sorry...his mom couldn't make it?! WTF!!

Shawn proceeds to make the most dramatic confession of love in the history of television. #barf

And now, the stupid creators, writers & execs at ABC make us wait 2 effing weeks before she makes the worst decision of her life.

Until Men Tell All, kittens,

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 8

We open with the reminder of Cupcake losing his man card last week. #neverforget

1-on-1

Ben H. "Let's make today unforgettable because you are forgettable."

Kaitlyn: "I'm difficult. I need someone to stick by me."

Ben H.: "It's ok. You're hot."

They proceed to have one of the most boring dates in Bachelorette history. Kaitlyn can't even pretend she's interested. Dr. Chris Harrison's pep talk clearly hasn't worked. 

Group Date i.e. Goodbye Kentucky

Gosling 2.0, The Serial Killer & Kentucky are picked for the most awk group date.

Kentucky: "You know what? I could totally kiss you & hold you for the next 60 years."

Kaitlyn: "Cool. Do you have a clip? I can't see your face because of this greasy mop. Oh, and I'm not there with you, but thanks for telling me."

Kentucky: "I don't have shit to say to you."

Kaitlyn: "I think he's mad."

The Serial Killer gets sent back to the hotel. Gosling 2.0 gets more time with Kaitlyn because she needs to tell him she boned Nick.

Kaitlyn: "I'm going to take the longest way around to the truth and make your ears bleed before I tell you that I banged Nick and I liked it."

Gosling: "Do you regret it?"
Kaitlyn: "I regret not having sex with you too."

Gosling: "I'm not mad."

Kaitlyn: "Tell your face."

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn is shaking nervously in her aluminum foil dress. Gosling is offered the rose and he asks if they can speak privately. Kaitlyn stares at him as though she is going to strangle him.

Gosling: "You told me I was the one."

Kaitlyn: "Well, I shouldn't have said that because that means that I can't bone all of these guys. I have to test drive them all, mmmmkay?"

So, he takes the damn rose after all of his theatrics.

Ben gets the next rose, and we all let out a huge sigh. V for Vendetta is going home. While we are all collectively sad, I think we can all agree that he deserves someone better than this hussy. His exit was classy and kind, most of which we never see on the Bach. I'm guessing the producers had no idea what to do with themselves. They couldn't even spin this negatively.

1-on-1

The Serial Killer pulls out yet another effing sweater with Kaitlyn's pants. 

They chat, but this is all foreplay. They are just waiting to get to the "intimate overnights." Before we can get to Bonetown, The Serial Killer is sure to throw Gosling under the bus for being an "Eskimo brother." Google saw a spike in the eskimo brother search last night because none of us knew what the hell it actually meant.

The Serial Killer: "I'm worried aboat you."

Kaitlyn: "Let's get freaky."

Oh, how the times have changed. What began as a game of "don't ask, don't tell," has now turned into "how many can she do in one episode."

The showdown we've been waiting for is finally here. Gosling goes after The Serial Killer. And we are rewarded with another "To be continued..."

Eloquent, guys.

Until next week's shit show...