Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 9

10:58 AM

I don't know aboat you, but I'm ready for this borefest to be over so we can move on to the shit show that is Bachelor in Paradise.

Shouldn't we be in a tropical paradise at this late date? I'm so over these sweaters.




Ben: "I'm falling in love with you."
Kaitlyn: "Me too, but I need a test drive first...you know, just to make sure it's love."

Benny Wenny

I, literally, yelled, "ANOTHER F*CKING SWEATER!?"

The budget must have tanked because these "intimate overnights" are just spent sitting on a couch in sweaters. Aren't we usually hang gliding or jumping out of airplanes at this point? 

Kaitlyn: "Sex is the most important part of a relationship. Do you wanna?"
Ben: "Obvs."
Kaitlyn: "I'm in love with you...and Shawn...and Nick. Let's bone."

You better eat to keep your strength up, Benny boy.

There is no point in posting this picture except to say that someone needs to locate these bootie shorts for me because my ass needs them right now. 

Kaitlyn: "I got 30 minutes of sleep last night. We did the horizontal mambo the rest of the time."
Ben: "I'm in love with you."
Kaitlyn: "Awww. Thanks, but leave because I need to go test drive these other mofos."

 Shawn's Golf Balls


Shawn: "Golf is a lot like love. There's grass, a hole and a club. Wait...what?"

I shit you not when I say that I had to rewind that line 3 times to be sure I heard him correctly. 

You guys. You freaking guys. They literally have no budget for a tropical island, so they are resorting to making contestants strip. 

You noticed how large his black box was, didn't you? You, freaking perv.

Kaitlyn: "Let's talk aboat Nick. Don't get mad."
Shawn: "I am mad."
Kaitlyn: "I didn't mean to fire you up..."
Shawn: "I'm pissed."
Kaitlyn: "Wanna have sex?"
Shawn: "Yeah, I'm not mad anymore."

The most overplayed pissing contest in Bachelorette history. We get it. You hate each other. Go bang Kaitlyn and move the F on.

Rose Ceremony

And then there were two.

Hometowns


Man, this family is over this show. 

Nick's sister: "You're doing this again?"
Nick's other sister: "Sonofabitch."
Nick's other sister: "Do you love Nick?"
Nick's 12 brothers: "Is there a game on?"

***


I'm sorry...his mom couldn't make it?! WTF!!

Shawn proceeds to make the most dramatic confession of love in the history of television. #barf

And now, the stupid creators, writers & execs at ABC make us wait 2 effing weeks before she makes the worst decision of her life.

Until Men Tell All, kittens,




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