Where Do Babies Come From?

4:29 PM

My 4-year-old was fascinated by nursing. It was like the coolest thing to her. I, however, don't know how fascinating I would say lactating out of a fat bag hanging off your body truly is. It's fine. I mean, yeah, all the feelings when you're nursing ONE, but try two vultures sucking the life out of your tired, flappy fat bags. It was all the annoyed feelings. No hate mail, please. No twins, no opinions.

Anyway, nursing. Yes, she was fascinated. We were having a lovely afternoon, just she & I, laying out by the pool. She pokes my fat bags and ponders life:

M: "So, there's no more milk in there, huh?" 
A: "Nope, it's all gone."
M: "Hmm, how does that happen?"
A: "When you stop nursing, the milk goes away."
M: "Hmm, so, men make babies then. Well, God too."
A: "Well, yes, I mean, God creates babies, and he uses men to make them."
M: "But where do they come from?"
A inside: Shiiiiiiiiit.
A: "God puts them in mommy bellies."
M: "Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Can I go swim now?"
A: "Yes, God, please, yes, go swim."


Once my heart stopped racing, I mentally slapped myself in the face. That was the least cool way to tell her where babies come from, but I'm thinking that the ripe old age of 4 is not the time to delve into the sperm, egg and uterus talk. "Well, honey, one night, mommy & daddy drank a lot of wine, and then 9 months later, I was screaming at my crotch for you to get the hell out." Boom. Parenting: nailed it.

What do you tell your little ones? I'm still too embarrassed to say penis, so I'm thinking a nice pop-up book might be in this kid's future.

Until the next weird-ass conversation,

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