Mean Mom

Definition of a mean mom [meen mom]:

- one who does not let children run around in public like wild animals
- one who does not allow children to get their way because it's easier (i.e. you WILL eat your brussel sprouts that I slaved over and you will smile with each bite because there are children starving in Africa who would shiv you for that sprout.)
- one who keeps their children from danger (i.e. No you may not suck on the end of that cord that is currently plugged into the wall.)
- one who does not stand any kind of ass hattery from the spawns


I have recently been complimented by three different people on what a great mom I am/how great my kids are. Thank you, yes, I know. Glad you noticed.

Now, I say this, not to toot my own horn, but to tell you that my pet peeve is bratty, ungrateful, unruly children. When I see children like that in public, I want to take them home and show them how to behave like a human being, and then give them back to their parents because more kids in this house would, literally, kill me. Plus, other people's children...barf.

I'm not saying that Maddie hasn't had a DefCon 1 level tantrum in a public place because she totally has and I was like, dude, how did I birth you? Also, if you don't stop embarrassing me, I am going to tell all of your boyfriends that you ate your boogers. Yes, they all do that. However, on the whole, good kids. If you have not nailed the death stare, you are failing parenthood. Get in front of the mirror and practice.

If you see my child acting a fool in public, if he or she hits, kicks, punches or is an all-around douche monkey, please let me know. I do not intend to have ill-behaving children. We are a "yes, ma'am, no, ma'am" operation as we learn how to behave around adults and to function in the real world.

Maybe you think I am mean. Good. I hope my children think I'm mean. I am not their best friend. I am the MOTHER. And I intend to be an mean-ass mom so that I do not have mean-ass children who turn into mean-ass adults. So, good luck to you when your unruly littles turn into unruly teenagers. My children will be the ones getting into college while yours is checking into rehab.


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