Best Damn Finale Recap

We open with Kaitlyn's family chatting about the contestants. Is it me or does Kaitlyn's mom look like a psychic stripper? That was just the vibe I was getting.

It was HOW BIG?!

They interrogate Nick all the while knowing that Kaitlyn boned him. #awk

Nick pulls out the same speech he gave to Andi's family, pinches his balls to squeeze out some tears, and Mama Kaitlyn gives her blessing.

Nick: I'm in love with Andi...err...Kaitlyn. She's the one...well, the second one.
Mama Kaitlyn: hehe I'd love for her to be your second choice.

Moving on.

Shawn's turn. Yada yada. He loves Kaitlyn. Tears. Approval. Get to the good stuff.

Is this guy storing nuts for the winter?

Final Dates

Nick & Kaitlyn are on a boat. He's wearing her shorts again. They talk about painfully boring nothingness and I tuned out because watching my nail polish dry was more interesting than this borefest. I guess they boned and they're over it.

Nick: I got you a gift.
Kaitlyn: OMG. I'm so surprised.
Nick: It's in my bedroom pants.

He buys her a frame, puts a grainy kissing picture of the two of them in it, strings together some words that he calls a poem and then they makeout.


Shawn & Kaitlyn sit awkwardly in a grassy area with a cheese & wine platter that no one touches. They awkwardly talk about how this is awkward and tomorrow is going to be awkward, as she awkwardly pets Shawn's leg hair. We get it. It's awkward.

He, too, buys Kaitlyn a gift. A mason jar of memories and I could swear that there were condom wrappers in there.

Kaitlyn: Aww, remember the time we did it in Ireland? 

The Proposal

Neil Lane just pops into the villas with diamonds the size of my fist.

Kaitlyn is breathing into a paper bag as she realizes she won't be able to sleep with any other man ever.again.

The mansion? Really? This is the lowest budget in Bachelorette history. 

We hold our breath in anticipation as Nick rolls out of limo #1, like duh. He had no chance.

Kaitlyn pulls the douche monkey card and lets this ass hat ramble on for like 10 minutes about how she's the second one and he loves her and he can't wait to start their life together. He pulls out the box with a big beardy smile on his face and she says, "wait..." 

Nick: Shit.
Kaitlyn: I love-d sleeping with you, but yeah, no. 
Nick: Do you think they'll give me my own show now?

Nick gets into the confession limo, and throws his rings like a little girl.

Shawn professes his love for Kaitlyn. She says yes. Duh. Yada yada. I mean, it was actually a really sweet proposal. He done good.

Why did he get down on one knee like a 90-year-old man? I thought he was a personal trainer.

After the Final Rose

Chris Harrison: Nick, let's humiliate you one last time and show America the train wreck that is Nick Viall.

Shawn & Kaitlyn come out, make out and talk about their future...for like the next month.

Shawn & Nick sit as far away from each other as possible on a loveseat to have a come-to-Jesus.

Shawn: Neener, neener. I won.
Nick: *hangs head in shame*

The happy for now couple smile and chat about their future. Starting the pool now for how long it lasts.


Thanks for a great season to all of you who have faithfully read this recap smut. Although, ABC, apparently, doesn't give a shit that I have other things to do besides watching Orgy in Paradise TWICE A FREAKING WEEK. Rude.


1 comment

  1. I almost feel like this season really tried to repair Nick's image.. I'm terrified they're going to announce him as the next bachelor eeeeek!


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