The Truth About Getting Ready for Family Photos

So, you finally made the decision. You picked a photographer, paid your deposit, and you have a date picked. There is a myriad of things to do to prepare for your session. On the eve of our family's yearly photos, I thought I'd share a few steps to getting prepared.

1. Start drinking. I don't care if your photos are scheduled for 1 hour from now or 1 month from now. Start drinking. You'll be glad you did. I'm on glass of wine #2 as I type.

2. Spend an inordinate amount of money on "nice" clothes for your spawns who will INEVITABLY stain them the second you put their clothes on them. You will stand them up after having fully dressed them, and without batting an eyelash, there will be a giant stain on the front of one or more of them. My plan is to keep them in diapers (sans Maddie) in the car, fill them full of food & milk, and dress them the second we are getting out of the car to go sit in that damn field.

3. Tell your husband the dreaded news. Offer sexual favors if he will just put on a happy face & pretend he wouldn't rather be having a prostate exam than having family photos taken. Also, make him drink.

4. Bring bribes. Candy, toys, I don't care. If you don't bribe your children, you are failing at parenthood.

5. Bring extra clothes. They will ruin them.

6. Relax. The kids are acting like massive douche tarts, your husband is wearing tube socks with skater shoes, and you are sweating like a stuck pig. All you have to do now is relax, let the photographer direct you, and then be amazed when you have not one, but an ass load of REALLY good family photos that you get to keep forever. The beauty of these images is that no one can hear you swearing or the kids screaming and/or crying. Win/win.

And just because you know you want to know, I give you the Rosenbohm wardrobe. Yes, I'm good at this. Yes, I made that fecking floral crown, and if she doesn't keep it on her damn head the whole time, there will be weeping & gnashing of teeth.

Jax & Jett :: shirt & shorts // Old Navy |  shoes // Target

Maddie :: romper & kimono // Target | shoes // Old Navy | floral crown // Me

Andrea :: dress & shoes // Dottie Couture

Josh :: shirt & short // Old Navy

Can I Use These Strawberries to Make Wine?

Once upon a time, in a far away land called Colorado, lived a girl who dreamed of whimsy, fantasy, dancing in long skirts in fields full of daisies with her little ones.

Then, she spawned, her children got older, got louder, got whinier, and they got sassy.

We went strawberry picking yesterday. It was...I started to type fun, but I don't know that it actually was. It was hot AF, the mozzies were out in full force, and there were 3 kids in tow. The older of the 3, was dressed as cute as can be. I mean, this kid has great style (side note: when strangers tell me my child has great style, I, literally, want to punch them in their stupid face. Who the hell do you think dresses her?!) and she was rocking boho chic. I made sure to ask this child if she had to go potty before we left the house, and then before we left her Auntie KyKy's house. "Nope. I promise. I don't have to go at all." What happens the second we step out of the car? Hands to the crotchal area, followed by a whiney, "Mommy? I have to go potty right now and I can't wait." #punchingmyselfintheface

Spawn 2 has lost a shoe and is picking and S H O V E L I N G only the least ripe strawberries into his mouth as quickly as is humanly possible - leaves and all. Whatever. He's happy.

Spawn 3 is playing with my keys. Let me be more specific. He is playing with the automatic key that locks & unlocks the family circus bus. He is, specifically, only hitting the lock button, so much so that the strawberry picking anthem is just my stupid fecking car horn beeping repeatedly.

I am covered in mozzies, trying to take pictures of the littles, and sweating like a 300-pound hog in short shorts, which means I can't bend over without flashing the other patrons, a grey shirt (hello, pit stains), and Birks. Birks in dirt. My hair was on fleek on top, but sopping wet underneath.

My best friend is dressed in long pants and a long sleeve button-up. She was hoping for a new head shot. Never ask for an attractive picture of yourself when you are with my children. It is nearly impossible. At one point, she had one of the twins tucked up under her arm, her aviators askew, covering only one eye with her hair completely tangled in the other side of the glasses. She looked like, well, a mom.

Just before the sweaty hot mess emerged.Should have snapped a pic. Damn.

Also, who in the feck wears this outfit to pick strawberries? Only Kylie.

The cherry on top? $23.67 for this "fun." $5/person (over the age of 2) to get in, and then $5/lb extra that Maddie "had to have."

May my children look back on these pictures in our family yearbooks with fond memories of Mama taking them to do fun things, and not watching her chug a bottle of wine in the pantry as soon as we walked in the door.

a.

Am I A Jealous Mom?

ETA: This post in no way is meant to sound self-righteous. I, in no way, believe that I have my shit together and that everyone wants to be me. Let's get that REAL clear REAL fast. I am just as guilty of being jealous of other moms. Having said that, if you think I'm that full of myself, you are sorely mistaken.

Carry on.

Does it bug the shit out of you when you see a mom who is dressed nicely, bathed, hair done with a latte in hand? Does it bug the shit out of you when said mom has her minions in tow & they are all dressed, bathed, quaffed and are behaving in public? Shame.On.You.

Why is it that moms who are somewhat organized and put together are the bad guys? Why does it offend you when I have shaved legs & curled hair? 

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to see if you're a jealous mom:

1. Am I jealous when I see a mom put together?

If the answer is yes, then slap yourself upside your greasy hair and GTFOI. Perhaps one of her spawn was up before the rooster and was back down for nap before the sun even shone and had plenty of time to step into a shower to actually get clean.

If the answer is no, good for you.

2. Am I annoyed when I see other moms who care about their looks?

If the answer is yes, then you are a jerk and you need to get a grip. Perhaps you should take stock of your stash of yoga pants and maybe throw on a tight pair of skinnies every once in a while.

If the answer is no, I applaud you. You are comfortable in your own skin around hot betches.

3. Am I jealous when I see another mom's clean house?

If the answer is yes, then get off your damn iPhone & pick some shit up.

If the answer is no, enjoy your filth. Your kids are clearly comfortable and happy playing in dust bunnies.

4. Am I jealous when I see a mom out with her girlfriends?

If the answer is yes, then maybe this is why you have no girlfriends to go out with. Bitchy resting face & crossed arms doesn't make anyone feel warm & fuzzy about you.

If the answer is no, you found a bad group of betches who love you & like to hang with you. This is also means you are happy for other people. Let's be friends.

5. Am I jealous when I see moms who have a career/hobby/life outside of their children?

If the answer is yes, then maybe you should try to find something you enjoy instead of judging others for being talented and entrepreneurial. Maybe you have no talents. Sucks for you.

If the answer is no, then you are one of those awesome moms who have something outside of the home that drives you, inspires you, and ignites your soul. Drink it up. Those things make you one of the great moms.

So, are you a jealous mom? If the answer is yes, then stop being an all-around douche tart and be awesome at being you. If the answer is no,congratulations on your confidence. You are a bad mama jama.

Peace.
a.

Paradise Recap | Episode 6

Jomanthagate

Juelia: He proposed to me. We were making plans for the future and then you came in.

Sam: Shut yo' mouth. You're acting like you've been together for years. You went on one date. And omg. I'm on cloud 9. Where's Joe? I need to give him another handy J in the pool.

Turns out, Jomantha schemed to get a free sexcation from ABC. *gasp* Numb nuts! This is a reality TV show. It is a contest. It is a winner-take-all contest. Fools, open your eyes.

Dan vs. Ashley S.

Ashley S.: I think he broke up with me, but I can't see him giving a rose to anyone else. 

Amber enters. I hope Dan is here.

Date card. Duh.

This also begins the decline of Ashley S. We knew that it was coming. We were all concerned about her mental state. Crazy Ashley is back & we are so fecking pumped.

JJ & Megan

Possibly the best couple in the entire Bachelor franchise. One of the dumbest human beings on the planet paired with the most gigantic ass wipe on the planet. She's too dumb to know what an ass he is. #matchmadeinheaven

Megan: This is the quickest I've ever been wet on a date. Stay classy, girl.

Dan & Amber

They make out and they leave their food untouched.

Dan: We had such an amazing connection. I didn't expect to have good conversation with Amber and I didn't.

JJ versus Joe

JJ: I take personal offense to your doucheness because you're taking away from my doucheness.

Joe: F*** off, moral police.

Until next week,

Paradise Recap | Episode 5

You guys, I can't get caught up so eff episode 4. I can sum it easily: Ashley I. cries, people go on dates, people make out, drama, Ashley I. cries some more, and then they leave us with a cliffhanger.

I have come to realize that this show is just about crying.

Ashley I: Clare runs away crying & Chris Harrison is the only one who runs after her and only because he's paid to. Yeah because you won't be crying in the next scene. Relaxicab.

Ashley I gives her rose to Jared. Poor guy.
Clare gives her rose to...JJ.
Juelia gives her rose to Joe. Well played, Joe.

Jonathan & Mikey go home. And no one is sad.

Juelia: Joe is totally here for me. He came here for me.
Joe: I can't wait to do Samantha.

Samantha - Joe - Juelia

The second Samantha steps into the grass hut, Joe has to adjust his pants, & they head out on a date together.

Chris Harrison to Samantha: No one knows who you are. You never spoke.
Joe: She's my dream girl.

Jared: Did you know Sam before the show?
Joe:

On a completely run of the mill first date, Joe & Samantha shoot a porn.

Thanks for the close-up crotch shots, ABC. I can't ever unsee it.

Yeah, no, they've never met.

Juelia: I thought you loved me. I had already pinned everything for our wedding.

Juelia: You haven't talked to me for hours.
Joe: It's been like an hour and a half. Have a nice night tho.

Kirk & Carly

Jade: How's it going with Kirk?

Carly: The sexual chemistry is amazing. I'm so horny.

Kirk: That crazy bitch wants to sleep with me.

Date card. Carly picks Kirk.

Kirk: I told myself I wasn't going to jump right into a relationship. 

Carly: I want to get married & pop out babies.

Kirk: Maybe we should, like, take a step back and, like, examine this.

Carly: What do you mean?

Kirk: Let's call your brother.

Carly: Hi, brother! 

Kirk: My feelings have completely changed. Let's go bone.

Dan & Ashley S.

Ashley S.: We have such a great connection. Dan is no nonsense. He's so sweet. I'm falling in love with him since we've been together for a whole week.

Dan: We are so different. Not sure if this is gonna work.

Ashley S.: I'm here for you, so if you don't want me, then I'm packing my bags, drinking a couple more sangrias and then I'm gonna F off outta here. #byefelicia

Megan

Megan brings Chris a sob-brero. ALOHA, MEXICO.

Bitch is a coconut short of a piña colada.

More Juelia Dramz

The contestants seem to be confused by the fact that they are just that: contestants. When Joe decides to play the game, they have the audacity to be upset and hurt. People, please try to look less stupid than you actually are.

Juelia: I just feel like you played me.

Joe: So?

Juelia: I left my daughter. It's not fair if I go home alone.

Meanwhile, Joe gets a handy J in the pool.

Then we head back to junior high. Everyone gets involved in everyone else's business. Juelia asks Dan to ask Joe to come talk to her. #punchingmyselfintheface

Juelia: I feel like you played me.

Joe: How dumb are you? Did you see me & Sam dry humping?

Juelia: I just feel hurt.

Joe: Ok. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Sam & Juelia: Let's go talk.

Joe: Oh, shit. I don't want to lose Sam over...oh, shit...what's her name? Uhh...?

Cue: Chris Harrison's voice to lead us out.

xoxo

Paradise Recap | Episode 3

The worst thing in the world happens: Lauren leaves because a. she doesn't like to be around people 24/7 but going on a show where you live in a grass hut seemed like a great idea and b. JoshUA didn't like her because she's cray.

More crying.

It's just too hard for me. I'm around people 24/7. 

What did you think this was going to be like, genius?

Lauren is a self-proclaimed mistress. Congratulations? 

I like left someone behind that I shouldn't've. 

There's so many boogers that I can't even get them out, ya know?

Your pimp is a lucky man.

In the meanwhile, JoshUA has joined this cluster. He has a date card, so Ashley I. whisks him away so he'll date her crazy sissy.

Lauren: Do you like aggressive girls? Because I'm not at all.

Juelia: I can't see anything through these eyelashes.

Tenley manages to seem the least cray, so Joshua asks her on a "date."

Lauren to the camera: Joshua didn't like me. I don't know why the world is so awful to me. I miss my pimp. Peace.

You are literally the only person who is going to miss Lauren.

As per usual, JJ is super mature about Tenley going on a date with Joshua. 

Tenley called him a catch. I mean, guess carp is some kind of catch. Because you're such a catch. You are like a floating turd, but yeah, give Joshua a bad rap.

Tenley is like a Disney princess, and none of them ever end up with the blacksmith. Actually, I'm pretty she winds up leaving the dickwad for the pauper.

Enter Joe.

Joe: Choose a girl to ride...horses with...to...manata.

*awkward silence*

Clare: Is this real life?

Then Joe turns into a massive dick and makes the night even worse.

Joe to Clare: Haven't you done this like 15 times?  

Clare to raccoon: This is the kind of stuff that starts drama. I DON'T WANT ANY DRAAAAAMMMMAAAAA!!!!

Juelia invites herself on Joe's date since no one wants him.

Jonathan: I'm open to falling in love with her. I hope he falls off the horse and breaks his leg. 

Tenley & Joshua go on their date...at a bar. Aww, romance.

Tenley: OMG. I'm having the best time. More alcohols, please!!!

Tenley: OMG. Your hands are so big!! You know what they say about men with big hands. Let me pet your welder man hands.

JJ panics and takes Tenley out. I'm not threatened at all by this guy. Meanwhile, JJ is snuggling himself while Joshua & Tenley lick each other's teeth.

Juelia: I'm going on a date with Joe. I hope seeing isn't required.

So, they go on their date.

Joe: I love kids.

Juelia: Will you marry me?

I've never been so bored in my life.

And randomly, we find out that Joshua loves molly. Well, this took a weird turn.

Tenley: Hugs not drugs.

Joshua: I only did it once.

Cut to Tenley lowering her standards & seeking JJ out. So, you won't put up with Joshua doing drugs once, but a perpetual ass munch is perfectly acceptable? Makes complete sense.

Joe & Juelia come back from their date, & Juelia has already planned their wedding.

Juelia: There was an amazing waterfall, we rode horses, we laughed, we shared. We're in love.

Joe: It was cool.

OMG. They're totes getting married.

Dan tries to alert Mikey to the fact that he's going home and that no one likes him.

Dan to Mikey: No one likes you & you're going home. Clare isn't into you.

Mikey: So, you're saying there's a chance?

Jonathan on Juelia: "I've put a full week into Juelia and she isn't in love with me." 

Joe on Juelia: "She's not very smart, is she?"
Juelia on Jonathan: "Peace."
Juelia on Joe: "We're getting married." 
I wonder if she'll notice if Joe is even at her wedding. I'm guessing she wouldn't be able to see him anyway.

Date card arrives for Jared. Shocker. I can't believe that the universe knew just when a date card needed to arrive and that it would be for the one guy who needs to choose between an old lady & Kim Kardashian's even crazier sister.

Ashley I: "OMG. He's totes going to pick me. Her eggs are almost dead." She's like in her early 30's. She won't need a walker until at least 40.

Tanner: Something is definitely going to go down. It'll probably be Clare going down on Jared to get the rose.

Jared chooses Clare without missing a beat. The psycho cry baby loses her shit, and walks down the beach crying. Oh, and Mikey is shocked that Clare doesn't want him. I can see why he'd be confused. She has been so wishy washy & unclear.

Mikey: "Good luck dating a grandma, asshole."
Jared: "I'm into granny panties."

Mikey: "I'm pissed."
Jared: "Ok."
Mikey: "I'm so mad. I guess I misread what Clare & I had. Maybe I was wrong about how Clare feels about me." I understand how confusing this can be for a meat head.
Clare: "You're a fecking idiot."

Villains gon' vill.

Get Over It

If I see one more post about not believing everything you see on social media, I am going to stab my eyeballs out.

If you are offended by pretty pictures of 1. pretty people, 2. pretty food, 3. pretty vacations, 4. pretty hats, 5. pretty children, 6. anything pretty that you don't have, then get off the internet.

 If you're offended by cake, just don't even try to be my friend. We're over.

Yes, we all do it. Perfect setting, perfect lighting, just the right angle, hip pop, snap, filter, sappy caption, post. Pretty pictures a villain does not make. So, get over it.

Let's back up. I have received messages about how my house is always clean, my children are so beautiful, my hair is amazing. Let me be the first to dispel this outright lie. If there is a picture of my house, it's usually my in-law's house when we're at the pool. My children can look beautiful; they can also look like creatures from the black lagoon. If there is a picture on social media of my hair, it is because I have actually taken the time to dislodge it from the permanent grease bun on top of my head, wash it, and curl it. Get over it.

Now, when I see posts like that or a recent influx of posts about not believing "everything you see on social media," I, literally, want to vom. Do you know how bitchy that makes you sound? Get over it. Some people see life through rose-colored glasses. I'm sorry you don't. Get over it. Some people wake up "sunny-side up," like my dumb sister would say every dumb morning when she dumb woke up. I'm sorry you are a cranky bitch. Get over it. Some people are photographers who are insane about perfect lighting, angles, edit, and emotion. I'm sorry you are aren't. Get over it. Some people are supes fashionable and like to show it off. I'm sorry you rock mom jeans. Get over it.

Get the freaking freak over it, people. If you're that bothered by it, ask Jesus to help you stop being such a butthole. Take your own pretty pictures of your pretty hair, and your pretty kids, and get over it.

/endrant

a.

Paradise Recap | Episode 2

It's only an hourrrrrrrr!! I just did a jig.

Clare

Clare has become as much a part of this franchise as Harrison. Does this ho even have a real job?

She's talking to animals again. Overplayed, dudes.

Clare: Mikey is the only one showing any interest in me. I think he's a douche, but I'll play along. I'm not typically into big beef hearts like him. Beef hearts? I want to vom.

Mikey: I would totally like to go out with you. That would be awesome.

Clare: Umm...yeah...ok.

Clare & Mikey rub privies on the first date aka tantric yoga. 

Mikey: My favorite position was downward Clare. I can't wait to do this without cameras.

Clare: I'm not interested in you.

Mikey: I want to kiss you. 

Clare: Beef Heart, no.

Mikey: I need to go take one of those cold showers now.

Ashley S & Dan

For a brief moment, Ashley seems slightly normal. 

This just proves that there is someone for everyone.

Tenley, Jared, Ashley I. Creepy Sex Triangle Thing

Tenley plays the woe is me card because she didn't buddy up fast enough, so she runs off to snatch up Jared.

Cue: Ashley I crying because an "old lady" is stealing her man. Call her an old lady one more time, and I'll give you something to cry about, bitch.

Ashley I: You're mine.

Jared: I'm open to all kinds of relationships here.

Ashley I: Awkward.

Kissing Ass

Bitches be scramblin'.

JJ is suddenly popular.

Tenley: I'm not doing this because I want a rose. I just think you might be cool. You're totally welcome to makeout with me if you'd like. Rose, please?

Jared: You can have my flower.

Clare: Are you telling me this?

No one will ever love me.

Rose Ceremony

Tanner & Jade. Duh.

Kirk & Carly

Dan & Ashley S.

Jonathan & Eyelashes

Meat Heart & Clare

Jared & the mercy rose for Ashley I.

The kissing worked. JJ & Tenley.

What a waste of a boob job.

Thanks for the patience as I get caught up on this shit show,