I have come to realize that this show is just about crying.
Ashley I: Clare runs away crying & Chris Harrison is the only one who runs after her and only because he's paid to. Yeah because you won't be crying in the next scene. Relaxicab.
Ashley I gives her rose to Jared. Poor guy.
Clare gives her rose to...JJ.
Juelia gives her rose to Joe. Well played, Joe.
Jonathan & Mikey go home. And no one is sad.
Juelia: Joe is totally here for me. He came here for me.
Joe: I can't wait to do Samantha.
Samantha - Joe - Juelia
The second Samantha steps into the grass hut, Joe has to adjust his pants, & they head out on a date together.
Chris Harrison to Samantha: No one knows who you are. You never spoke.
Joe: She's my dream girl.
Jared: Did you know Sam before the show?
Joe:
On a completely run of the mill first date, Joe & Samantha shoot a porn.
Thanks for the close-up crotch shots, ABC. I can't ever unsee it.
Juelia: I thought you loved me. I had already pinned everything for our wedding.
Juelia: You haven't talked to me for hours.
Joe: It's been like an hour and a half. Have a nice night tho.
Kirk & Carly
Jade: How's it going with Kirk?
Carly: The sexual chemistry is amazing. I'm so horny.
Kirk: That crazy bitch wants to sleep with me.
Date card. Carly picks Kirk.
Kirk: I told myself I wasn't going to jump right into a relationship.
Carly: I want to get married & pop out babies.
Kirk: Maybe we should, like, take a step back and, like, examine this.
Carly: What do you mean?
Kirk: Let's call your brother.
Carly: Hi, brother!
Kirk: My feelings have completely changed. Let's go bone.
Dan & Ashley S.
Ashley S.: We have such a great connection. Dan is no nonsense. He's so sweet. I'm falling in love with him since we've been together for a whole week.
Dan: We are so different. Not sure if this is gonna work.
Ashley S.: I'm here for you, so if you don't want me, then I'm packing my bags, drinking a couple more sangrias and then I'm gonna F off outta here. #byefelicia
Megan
Megan brings Chris a sob-brero. ALOHA, MEXICO.
Bitch is a coconut short of a piña colada.
More Juelia Dramz
The contestants seem to be confused by the fact that they are just that: contestants. When Joe decides to play the game, they have the audacity to be upset and hurt. People, please try to look less stupid than you actually are.
Juelia: I just feel like you played me.
Joe: So?
Juelia: I left my daughter. It's not fair if I go home alone.
Meanwhile, Joe gets a handy J in the pool.
Then we head back to junior high. Everyone gets involved in everyone else's business. Juelia asks Dan to ask Joe to come talk to her. #punchingmyselfintheface
Juelia: I feel like you played me.
Joe: How dumb are you? Did you see me & Sam dry humping?
Juelia: I just feel hurt.
Joe: Ok. I'm sorry you feel that way.
Sam & Juelia: Let's go talk.
Joe: Oh, shit. I don't want to lose Sam over...oh, shit...what's her name? Uhh...?
Cue: Chris Harrison's voice to lead us out.
xoxo
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