Paradise Recap | Episode 5

You guys, I can't get caught up so eff episode 4. I can sum it easily: Ashley I. cries, people go on dates, people make out, drama, Ashley I. cries some more, and then they leave us with a cliffhanger.

I have come to realize that this show is just about crying.

Ashley I: Clare runs away crying & Chris Harrison is the only one who runs after her and only because he's paid to. Yeah because you won't be crying in the next scene. Relaxicab.

Ashley I gives her rose to Jared. Poor guy.
Clare gives her rose to...JJ.
Juelia gives her rose to Joe. Well played, Joe.

Jonathan & Mikey go home. And no one is sad.

Juelia: Joe is totally here for me. He came here for me.
Joe: I can't wait to do Samantha.

Samantha - Joe - Juelia

The second Samantha steps into the grass hut, Joe has to adjust his pants, & they head out on a date together.

Chris Harrison to Samantha: No one knows who you are. You never spoke.
Joe: She's my dream girl.

Jared: Did you know Sam before the show?

On a completely run of the mill first date, Joe & Samantha shoot a porn.

Thanks for the close-up crotch shots, ABC. I can't ever unsee it.

Yeah, no, they've never met.

Juelia: I thought you loved me. I had already pinned everything for our wedding.

Juelia: You haven't talked to me for hours.
Joe: It's been like an hour and a half. Have a nice night tho.

Kirk & Carly

Jade: How's it going with Kirk?
Carly: The sexual chemistry is amazing. I'm so horny.
Kirk: That crazy bitch wants to sleep with me.

Date card. Carly picks Kirk.

Kirk: I told myself I wasn't going to jump right into a relationship. 
Carly: I want to get married & pop out babies.
Kirk: Maybe we should, like, take a step back and, like, examine this.
CarlyWhat do you mean?
Kirk: Let's call your brother.
Carly: Hi, brother! 
Kirk: My feelings have completely changed. Let's go bone.

Dan & Ashley S.

Ashley S.: We have such a great connection. Dan is no nonsense. He's so sweet. I'm falling in love with him since we've been together for a whole week.
Dan: We are so different. Not sure if this is gonna work.
Ashley S.: I'm here for you, so if you don't want me, then I'm packing my bags, drinking a couple more sangrias and then I'm gonna F off outta here. #byefelicia


Megan brings Chris a sob-brero. ALOHA, MEXICO.

Bitch is a coconut short of a piƱa colada.

More Juelia Dramz

The contestants seem to be confused by the fact that they are just that: contestants. When Joe decides to play the game, they have the audacity to be upset and hurt. People, please try to look less stupid than you actually are.

Juelia: I just feel like you played me.
Joe: So?
Juelia: I left my daughter. It's not fair if I go home alone.

Meanwhile, Joe gets a handy J in the pool.

Then we head back to junior high. Everyone gets involved in everyone else's business. Juelia asks Dan to ask Joe to come talk to her. #punchingmyselfintheface

Juelia: I feel like you played me.
Joe: How dumb are you? Did you see me & Sam dry humping?
Juelia: I just feel hurt.
Joe: Ok. I'm sorry you feel that way.
Sam & Juelia: Let's go talk.
Joe: Oh, shit. I don't want to lose Sam over...oh, shit...what's her name? Uhh...?

Cue: Chris Harrison's voice to lead us out.


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