Paradise Recap | Episode 1

Ugh. Intros. 

I, literally, have never seen a more stupid human being than Ashley I. Why, God, why do we have to endure another season of her stupid face?

Jared: "I'm coming to Paradise because the best way to get over Kaitlyn is to bang a bunch of girls."

Ashley S: "I went on the Bachelor to find love and all I found was a pomegranate. My dad always told me to try boys on like shoes...So, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

Tanner: "You might remember me from Kaitlyn's season of the Bachelorette...she might not." No. We don't remember you either.

Jade: "Once I was honest with Chris about being in Playboy, there was an outpouring of support..." 

"Maybe in 3 weeks I'll be engaged..."WHAT?!

Jillian: "Before I go to Paradise, I need to get boobs so I don't look like a man in drag. You may remember my black box ass though..."

Dan: "You may remember me from Desiree's season." Nope.

Juelia: "I'm letting my daughter pick a man for me because I can't see through these eyelashes."

Tenley: "I was in love with Kipton, but he dumped me and knocked someone else up, and that was supposed to be my baby."

Day One

Chris Harrison: "These losers are all here for a second chance at love after our Bachelors & Bachelorettes rejected them."

Virgin & Skanky walk up and everyone loses their shit. Well, not the guys. 

Jonathan: "I've done sisters before. She's a virgin? Oh, I've done virgins before too."

Carly: "Were we supposed to bring our siblings?!"

Mikey: "When I first saw you walking down, I felt a little something in my pants. Let me take my shirt off so we don't have to so much space between us."

We have the token ginger this summer. Hi, Kirk.

The porn music is on point this season.

"Hopefully, there are no douche bags this season." Cue: JJ. No one says hi.

Ashley S falls in love at first sight...with birds. 

Lacey & Marcus

Apparently, Lacey & Marcus can't afford a wedding, so they are riding on Bach coattails...with strangers. And what happened to the wedding budget? Trista's cost $1 million. This cost less than a Starbucks.

Tenley: "Oh, ok. I know what this is. This is a wedding." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

You guys, this can't be their actual wedding, right?

She's pregnant, right? Those are pregnancy tittays.

Chris Harrison is now a pastor. Dear Lord, help us all.

Marcus: These vows were tough for me to write because this is a fake wedding.

Lauren is crying. Crying.

They walk off into the sunset...

Bikini Pool Party #1

Lauren is crying. Are you effing joking?! Nothing even happened and she's crying.

"Nothing happened, and I just can't stop crying. I don't want to be alone right now." Well, that's convenient. Look behind you, dumbass. There's a pool full of people.

"I didn't know there was a crying gene."

"This is a crisis." Yes, I'm sure the starving children in Africa would agree that a free vacation in paradise is totally a fecking crisis. #pullyourheadout

Ashley I: "I like Jared, but I'm going to be silent because I like him." Cue more tears.

Kirk & Carly. Yeah, we'll see.

Ashley I: "I like Jasmine. Cinderella is a bitch."

Jared: "Jade, do you want to go somewhere else with me away from crazytown?"

Ashley I is crying again.

The Next Morning

Mikey: "It's hard being such a sexy beast. I just want to pounce on what I want."

Date card: "Ashley I, choose a guy you want to get dirty with."

Jared would rather go on a date with JJ than with Ashley Insane.

Man, I was really hoping that he would say no.

Jared & Ashley I.

Dune buggying. She's laughing maniacally. He's just having fun driving.

"What's your sign?"

That was painful to watch. Bless Jared's heart for being such a good sport.

Date #2

Everyone wants Jade. They obviously Googled her Playboy days.

Jade chooses Tanner. Cue: porn music.

"Thank you for giving me my first 1-on-1. No one ever takes me on a date. Also, I applaud you for your Playboy spread. I would never condemn you for that. Do you happen to have those pictures on you?"

Meanwhile, Ashley S. called an ambulancia because one of her damn birds bit her.

Tanner gets his first kiss. Ever.

"Let's get wet." How did he hide his bones?


This chick needs a real frickin' job. For the love.


Four hours a week of this shit may kill me,

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