Paradise Recap | Episode 3

The worst thing in the world happens: Lauren leaves because a. she doesn't like to be around people 24/7 but going on a show where you live in a grass hut seemed like a great idea and b. JoshUA didn't like her because she's cray.

More crying.

It's just too hard for me. I'm around people 24/7. 

What did you think this was going to be like, genius?

Lauren is a self-proclaimed mistress. Congratulations? 

I like left someone behind that I shouldn't've. 

There's so many boogers that I can't even get them out, ya know?

Your pimp is a lucky man.

In the meanwhile, JoshUA has joined this cluster. He has a date card, so Ashley I. whisks him away so he'll date her crazy sissy.

Lauren: Do you like aggressive girls? Because I'm not at all.

Juelia: I can't see anything through these eyelashes.

Tenley manages to seem the least cray, so Joshua asks her on a "date."

Lauren to the camera: Joshua didn't like me. I don't know why the world is so awful to me. I miss my pimp. Peace.

You are literally the only person who is going to miss Lauren.

As per usual, JJ is super mature about Tenley going on a date with Joshua. 

Tenley called him a catch. I mean, guess carp is some kind of catch. Because you're such a catch. You are like a floating turd, but yeah, give Joshua a bad rap.

Tenley is like a Disney princess, and none of them ever end up with the blacksmith. Actually, I'm pretty she winds up leaving the dickwad for the pauper.

Enter Joe.

Joe: Choose a girl to ride...horses with...to...manata.

*awkward silence*

Clare: Is this real life?

Then Joe turns into a massive dick and makes the night even worse.

Joe to Clare: Haven't you done this like 15 times?  

Clare to raccoon: This is the kind of stuff that starts drama. I DON'T WANT ANY DRAAAAAMMMMAAAAA!!!!

Juelia invites herself on Joe's date since no one wants him.

Jonathan: I'm open to falling in love with her. I hope he falls off the horse and breaks his leg. 

Tenley & Joshua go on their date...at a bar. Aww, romance.

Tenley: OMG. I'm having the best time. More alcohols, please!!!

Tenley: OMG. Your hands are so big!! You know what they say about men with big hands. Let me pet your welder man hands.

JJ panics and takes Tenley out. I'm not threatened at all by this guy. Meanwhile, JJ is snuggling himself while Joshua & Tenley lick each other's teeth.

Juelia: I'm going on a date with Joe. I hope seeing isn't required.

So, they go on their date.

Joe: I love kids.

Juelia: Will you marry me?

I've never been so bored in my life.

And randomly, we find out that Joshua loves molly. Well, this took a weird turn.

Tenley: Hugs not drugs.

Joshua: I only did it once.

Cut to Tenley lowering her standards & seeking JJ out. So, you won't put up with Joshua doing drugs once, but a perpetual ass munch is perfectly acceptable? Makes complete sense.

Joe & Juelia come back from their date, & Juelia has already planned their wedding.

Juelia: There was an amazing waterfall, we rode horses, we laughed, we shared. We're in love.

Joe: It was cool.

OMG. They're totes getting married.

Dan tries to alert Mikey to the fact that he's going home and that no one likes him.

Dan to Mikey: No one likes you & you're going home. Clare isn't into you.

Mikey: So, you're saying there's a chance?

Jonathan on Juelia: "I've put a full week into Juelia and she isn't in love with me." 

Joe on Juelia: "She's not very smart, is she?"
Juelia on Jonathan: "Peace."
Juelia on Joe: "We're getting married." 
I wonder if she'll notice if Joe is even at her wedding. I'm guessing she wouldn't be able to see him anyway.

Date card arrives for Jared. Shocker. I can't believe that the universe knew just when a date card needed to arrive and that it would be for the one guy who needs to choose between an old lady & Kim Kardashian's even crazier sister.

Ashley I: "OMG. He's totes going to pick me. Her eggs are almost dead." She's like in her early 30's. She won't need a walker until at least 40.

Tanner: Something is definitely going to go down. It'll probably be Clare going down on Jared to get the rose.

Jared chooses Clare without missing a beat. The psycho cry baby loses her shit, and walks down the beach crying. Oh, and Mikey is shocked that Clare doesn't want him. I can see why he'd be confused. She has been so wishy washy & unclear.

Mikey: "Good luck dating a grandma, asshole."
Jared: "I'm into granny panties."

Mikey: "I'm pissed."
Jared: "Ok."
Mikey: "I'm so mad. I guess I misread what Clare & I had. Maybe I was wrong about how Clare feels about me." I understand how confusing this can be for a meat head.
Clare: "You're a fecking idiot."

Villains gon' vill.