The Bachelor opens with Dreamy Ben Higgins, doe-eyed, sparkly, white smile who loves and admires his mom and dad's love story and wants that for himself. He is, also, nervous no one will love him. #pantydropper
In classic Bach fashion, we are forced to see past contestants for "advice." Why Farmer Chris was there, I will never understand. "Kiss them all!"
Yes, if you would like to be a man whore, kiss them all, Ben.
Ben: Throughout your time as Bachelor, you stayed true to your heart.
False. He chose Melissa and then forced her to go on national television so he could dump her and pick the runner-up. #rolemodel
INTROS
Caila. Clearly, a former cheerleader, so we don't like her. Duh.
Jubliee. She's super hot, but she also scares the shit out of me.
Mandi. A psychotic dentist.
Twins. No. Just, no.
Amanda. The token single mom.
Tiara. Is this real life? She sleeps with a chicken? #byefelicia
LIMOS
Lace throws down the gauntlet and kisses Ben. I already hate her.
Does this bitch actually speak English?
No. Just leave.
Ben's going to have nightmares. Good job, JoJo.
Let me tell you now, Mandi, you will have zero friends in this house. Welcome.
Ten minutes into the women coming into the house, Lace is sloshed and is being a mean girl. She's going to go far.
Ben calls his mom & dad to tell them about the women. Aaaaand we all collectively sigh.
Becca & Amber walk in and the women lose their collective shit. "They've already been here. This isn't fair. They have an advantage."
I, literally, don't know what that means or how it applies. Stop making women look petty and bitchy.
Sincerely,
Normal Women
OMG. He's so happy. I totally 'ship them. #benca
Lace: Is it weird if I ask you to make out with me again?
Ben: Gross. I'm not into, but thanks for asking.
Lace: I'm going to slit my wrists.
Ben: Yo, chill out. I don't want to make out with you tonight.
Lace: OMG. He loves me. He told me people are shady & wants me to feel special.
I, literally, have no idea what her name is because all I can think is boobs. Poor Ben is doing his damnedest to keep his eyes up.
Olivia gets the first impression rose, and is immediately blacklisted by the rest of the house. I'm with you, Ben. She's one of the least offensive.
Lace, your bipolar is showing. Cover that shit up.
Rose Ceremony
This rose ceremony is always my favorite. It's, basically, eliminating the ugly girls, which is great for a girl's confidence.
Lauren B (blonde, periwinkle dress, no boobs)
LB (pink dress, looks like Ashley Rosenbaum)
Caila (cheerleader)
Amber (Chris' season, has-been)
Jami (white dress, drowned rat hair)
Boobs
Jubilee (war vet that I am terrified of)
Amanda (mom)
JoJo (house flipper - although, I thought her card meant she was a suicide prevention therapist)
Leah (blonde, sequin dress - I know, that really narrows it down)
Rachel (scooter girl)
Samantha (dead dad)
Jackie (red dress; literally, nothing else to say)
The twins (I was hoping he'd only pick one)
Shushanna (no English. It's getting annoying.)
Lauren H. (kindergarten teacher, boring)
Becca (OMG HE LOVES HER!!!)
Mandi (crazy mofo)
Lace (even crazier mofo)
Lace: Don't you ever call my name last. And look at me.
Ben: Let me understand...you're bat shit crazy.
To be continued...
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