The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 2

We open on girls squealing. I feel stereotyped.

An 11-Way

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace are all chosen to go back to high school.

LB: I've never been so turned on in a high school. You, clearly, didn't go to Baptist school where you were clam dammed at every turn.

Chris Harrison: Make Ben's "volcano erupt" and collect a marriage proposal.

Ben: One of the things I love about this date is how the girls are putting themselves out there and making out with apples. It's a very important quality for my future wife to have.

And just when you thought that these women were just a rack and some highlights, they prove they are, indeed, just a rack and some highlights.

During the alcoholics gathering, we are subjected to a bunch of bitches bitching about how they aren't getting enough face time with Ben. I don't know...try getting off your ass and stealing some time if you'd like some time. 

And shockingly, Lace's "eye-f*cking" wasn't enough to get her the date rose. JoJo's mouth effing seemed to work better. Go figure.

Caila

Tigger is chosen as Ben's first 1-on-1 where they are "so surprised" by Ice Cube and Kevin Hart as their "ride alongs." Kill me dead with all the in-show advertising.

'dafuq?

It's pretty much the most boring, vanilla date in the history of The Bachelor. They end in a restaurant, talking about why Ben thinks he's unlovable, as every girl in America throws her bra at the television in hopes that he will come find us so that we can love him.

I'm just going to leave this right here... (fan submission. I have a fan.)

Thermal Porn

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda have to take off their clothes, put on white underwear and have their physical compatibility tested as they sit nose-to-nose with Ben. Also, he has to smell their ribs. 

You know, like you do on a date.

Poor Sam needs a shower and maybe some Viagra.

Looks chilly.

No reason. Just yikes.

Mom: I have kids.

Ben: Oh...great...that would be great. So, I would get a wife...and...a family. Great. No, really, that's great.

Mom: I feel so great!!!

Ben: Great. Let's go find someone else to talk to.

Mom: Olivia got the rose and I don't get it. How could like any conversation be better than like me telling Ben that he like has to be a parent to my kids and like deal with my ex-husband? Like, this makes like no sense.

Cocktail Party

More bitching from the bitches bitching about not getting any Ben time. I guess it's better to sit on the couch, twirling your hair than talk to some hot guy who keeps giving you flowers and asking you to stick around. 

Also, they all hate Olivia for playing the game. Standing O for Olivia, in my opinion. You get yo' man, girl. 

Lace: I have reasons for being bat shit crazy. I'm a lot to handle, but I'm not crazy. I'm sorry that I keep yelling at you, but you're just not doing this right. If you could just give me a rose, I wouldn't have to stab you. But yeah, totally normal and not crazy.

Side note, dudes love it when you tell them you're not crazy, but then run off, sobbing hysterically. #manbait

I am not stupid enough to believe that Ben came up with the barrette craft, but I am stupid enough to completely fall in love with him. Even my mother-in-law tossed her wedding ring on the ground after this. 

Rose Ceremony

After this episode, I am convinced that Ben has no control over who he chooses to keep. Ratings. We're lemmings, people.

Amanda 

Jubilee

Lauren B.

Leah

Becca

Rachel

Lace. And everyone screamed vulgarities are their tv's.

LB. And she bows out because she's too shy. Sorry, why are you on this show?

Jennifer

Twin 1

Jamie

Lauren H.

Shushanna

Twin 2

Amber. Although I don't know why. Get this girl a brush, Harrison.

The cursory "thank you so much for the opportunity" lines are exchanged.