The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 311:07 AM
Lauren B. Date
Lauren B: OMG, Benji. I'm so scared. I mean, I know I'm a flight attendant, but hold me.
Well played, betch. Well.Played.
Lauren B: I think I'd feel a lot safer if you stuck your tongue down my throat.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a date in a hot tub in the middle of effing nowhere...
And don't even try to lie when he looked at LB and said, "Dang it, you're cute!" You died a little inside because it wasn't fair and it was so cute and you want to be her and you also want to cut a bitch.
Ben: What do you like in life?
LB: Mowing the lawn.
Ben: Our life together would be so exciting.
Ben: I want to have your babies right now.
For a final surprise, Ben pulls LB into a barn to hear some band? chick? named Lucy Angel and they dance. And we all die inside because Ben is falling hard for this chick.
Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, Emily are chosen for the group date. Why they think that this would qualify as a "date" is beyond me. In reality, they are dating each other, not Ben.
If there is one thing I hate, it is a bunch of ditzy, squealing girls trying to play sports. There are kicks to shins, airheads dropping like flies, and mass amounts of Mac foundation dripping from faces. It is an absolute train wreck.
Thankfully, we are only subjected to this awkward display for a few minutes before the Stripes team wins and the Stars go home to cry alone with the camera crew in the bathroom.
Listen, Olivia is a bitch, yes, but she's not doin' nothin' that I wouldn't be doin'. Y'all bitches are just mad because you are too shy to steal him away the second he stops talking. It's a game, ladies. Get your poop in a group, collect $200 and pass go.
Jami: Please don't be mad at me, but the girls are talking about your body.
Olivia: My calves? My cankles? You can tell me. I won't hit you.
Jami: Your freak toes and your dragon breath.
Olivia: That's it. I will cut them all.
I wasn't a Jubs fan from day one, but this girl is one-woman circus of bipolar disease mixed with bat shit.
Jubilee 1: I want to be on a date.
Jubilee 2: I'm going to throw up.
Jubilee 3: Ben has a type, but I'm going to skirt around what I really mean.
Jubilee 1: It would mean so much if I got the date.
Jubilee 2: No one loves me.
I, literally, can't keep up with the tidal wave of emotions that this girl shares with us. She's happy for 2 seconds and then wants someone else to take her date with Ben because she's scared. Girl, enjoy it while it lasts because Ben is going to want off this roller coaster of crazy real quick.
Ben: Tell me a little about yourself.
Jubs: My whole family died and I'm adopted.
Ben: Well, I have to give you the rose now.
Heavy shit for week 3, Jubs. Maybe save this for like week 5?
Bless Benji's heart. He had two family members die the night before and asks that the women comfort him.
Olivia thinks this is the perfect time to whine about her cankles.
Ben: My family members just died.
Olivia: I don't care. My ankles are fat. *holds back tears*
Jubs steps in and gives Ben a massage. Again, not doing anything I wouldn't do. It's not like there was a happy ending. Keep your panties on, ladies.
Do we have a doctor reading this? Could someone please prescribe this psycho some kind of anti-psychotic stat!?
Poor Lace was feeling left out of CrazyTown, so she made her dramatic exit.
Lace: I need to be medicated.
Ben: I know.
Emily. You can't pick one and not the other, let's be real.
Olivia. One word: ratings.
ShuShu, no. You didn't even talk to him. Stop crying.
Jami: I'm 23 and my life is over. Time to start the Crazy Cat Lady transition.