The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 5

This week, we are in Buenos RRRRRes. Say it like a white girl, JoJo.

Ace Ventura: I couldn't think of a better place to fall in love than BWAYNOS AIRES, ARGENTAYNA. Really? Y'all say that every damn season. Let's see you say that in my town of Greeley, Colorado.

Date with Wells

The lack of chemistry on this date is physically painful. Girlfriend is up in his grill and he can't do it. I have seen more chemistry between my dog & the neighbor dog.

The themes on this date are "kiss me, mofo" & "brute force." They are swimming and writhing around and he finally makes a move.

JoJo, literally, has to congratulate him on being a man. I mean, the connection is just sizzling.

You can see the sweat rolling down their faces. The Bach's budget has, clearly, tanked. 

Shocker: Wells is given the boot. Her facial expressions are on point tho.

Group Date

Since when is a date just walking around? 

James Taylor: I'm not supposed to be here. I'm too boring and ugly.

JoJo: TOE DOUGHS mis boyfriends.

James: I'm heading to I love JoJoVille. No. Get out.

Later, all the cool kids (obvs, minus James Taylor) throw on their leather jackets and drink wine. 

JoJo cannot get close enough to Luke. Literally. Her forearm is rubbing his eggplant, she has her legs draped over his, and she starts licking his tonsils. I feel bad for his gonads later this evening.

The best way to get a girl to crush so hard on you is to bash another guy for an hour. Throw in a pity party and you are golden. 

Covertly, and by covertly I mean so awkward and obvious, JoJo asks Jordan to come talk to her after sucking a lemon. "According to James, you are entitled." 

Jordan: I'm not though.

JoJo: Ok, cool, thanks!

The awkward silence is so fun. James Taylor: Hey, buddy! Did you have fun getting chewed out by JoJo?

Jordan: I am going to swirl my wine glass so fast that it flies out of my hand and breaks in a million pieces on your face. 

JoJo gives the rose to Luke after getting her all hot and bothered.

2-on-1 Date: Chase vs. Jim Halpert

Seriously, I got so sick of looking at the dancer's vagina. Good thing she waxed, but still. Cover that shit up.

JoJo: I'm torn between two men. She's tango-ing between the two of them, which is awkward AF. Jimmy Halpert has a really good "I want to pin you up against a wall" face. Ugh. This scene can't be over fast enough.

Jim is falling for her, seems emotionally stable, and is super cute. 

And yet, she picks Chase who can't seem to express his feelings and is kind of a needy little bitch.

Makes complete sense. 

Rose Ceremony

JoJo gets dressed up in her prom dress for tonight's rose ceremony.

Jordan: I wanna be in love and engaged at the end of this...if it's you, that's cool.

JoJo: OMG. You love me so much.

Instead of spending time with the guys, she needs some space to decided how many of these dudes she has to keep around.

In the end, she chooses all of them after choosing all the guys in tight pants and the hipster haircut. BUT we're not sure why she kept James Taylor around because he's stupid and dumb and whiny. 

Alex: Thanks for the pity rose. 

Go Babe | Review

Have you ever seen an outfit more perfectly suited to this girl's personality? No, you haven't. 

You guys know I love my collaborations and this is a front runner for being my favorite. I got to meet Molly on Etsy, and she has this award-winning collection of clothing for kids. Her signature style? Rompers. Even more, you know I love a mompreneur with a passion and a message.

Molly is a mompreneur to the max. THIS is why I fell in love with her first: 

Go Babe truly started when I was a little girl. At seven years old, my mom would find me up until midnight, stitching together a pair of pants I had designed for the next day. I have always had a passion for creating, and when we had our first child, motherhood offered limitless opportunities to sew adorable things. Go Babe’s first product was a sling, and then diaper bags, nursing scarves, snuggle blankets, diaper & wipes clutches, travel changing pads, and wet bags. From the beginning, my goal was to make functional items that were eye-catching and on trend.

I also knew I wanted to fabricate goods from high quality, organic fabrics that are both good to the environment and good for my kids. Fabric shopping is my favorite addiction. Recently I was asked how I choose my fabrics. I replied, "I don’t choose. I just buy them all!"

This past year was a milestone as I implemented original designs into our fabric collection. As you scroll through items like Go Babe’s Kicky Pants, you’ll discover prints and patterns that can only be found at Go Babe!

In 2012, our oldest daughter, Payton, died from a genetic disease called SMA. A pediatric version of ALS, we had just a few months between her diagnosis and her death. This changed everything, including the purpose of Go Babe. Today, a percentage of sales go to the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation; you can find out more about their work at theGSF.org.

So I invite you into my business, into my product, and into my passion. When you make a purchase from Go Babe, you’re purchasing leggings that not only will become your favorite, but will one day be remaining proof that childhood reigned here: Summer days with watermelon drips. First walks on a grassy hill. Mud pies leaving evidence on thighs. These items are worthy of the keepsake box as they represent memories of your babe on the go.

Every item can be made as a matching set or each piece completely unique--you choose!

Awards and Recognitions:
Go Babe is Down East Magazine Editor’s Choice “Best of Maine: Kids Apparel for a Cause.”
Go Babe’s lush baby blankets were Australia’s babyology.com “Etsy Find of the Day,” and ranked #2 overall in their favorite baby blankets.

So, y'all, she's amazing, she's strong, she's creative, and her message is carried throughout her work. Please go bless the crap out of her buy purchasing some of her merchandise. Added bonus is that your kids will look fuhrickin' cute! Follow GoBabe on Etsy, Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram to stay current on new styles and sales!

Molly, thank you for letting me brag on you and your shop. You are an inspiration to me!

The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 4

I'm coming to you live from the Delta terminal at DIA, heading to Young Living's yearly convention, where I will be snuggling Mario Lopez and rocking out to a private LADY ANTEBELLUM concert. #bejealous

As I wait by myself, no husbands, no strollers, no screaming toddlers, I thought it would be a great time to recap this week's shit show.

The boys honor The Chadelorette as they spread his protein powder like ashes as he's creeping through the dark woods like we're suddenly in a slasher film.

They row, but it's the same bullshit we've seen every week, so I won't bother with it.

Essentially, this cocktail party is everyone's last-ditch effort to solidify their rose.

Some guy wrote JoJo a poem (aren't they supposed to rhyme?) and then The Midget interrupts. He's suddenly cocky AF since she chose him over Chad. Have you heard the term "lesser of two evils?"

Ace Ventura confesses he's falling for her at week 4.

Jordan wins with pinning her against the wall and making out, while the boy toys are just on the other side none the wiser. #hot

Evan: I feel like my heart is on blast. 

The poem guy goes byyyyeeeee. I, literally, can't even bother to find out his name.

Jordan's 1-on-1

I was starting to think that The Bach's budget had tanked with their exotic trip to Pennsylvania where the state bug is a fecking firefly. I mean, we're now in Uruguay. Does anyone actually know where this place is?

Jordan: I'm not lying: I'm falling in love with you. 

I know I'd feel really confident when he starts out the statement with "I'm not lying."

JoJo: Thanks. So, I heard you cheated?
Jordan: I didn't tho.
JoJo: Ok, cool. I feel so much better now that we talked.

Tabloid Dramz

I love how all the guys are like OMG. SHE'S NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!! Riiiight. Because your intentions are pure as the driven snow.

When in doubt, cry.

JoJo: OMG, you guys. I'm so sorry. This guy is an asshole. I can't believe he said that.

Also, since when is outside reading material permitted? I thought contestants were only allowed to read Chris Harrison's soft core porn "romance" novel.

Group Date

Sand surfing? WTAF is that? That's not a real thing.

Blah blah blah, Ace. Stop yammering. You care about her. You have deep feelings for her. Relax. We know you want a rose.

Poor Jimmy Halpert is feeling wishy washy about Pam's true feelings for him. Cue the sympathy rose.

Suddenly, this roomful of men has turned into a nursery with a bunch of whiny, bitch babies.

Date with Robby

Whose effing dog is that!? Hope you got your rabies shot, JoJo.

Taco truck dude: You es married?
Robby: Very posible'.
Stop. You're white.

Robby: I know I am in love with her. It's been 4 whole weeks. It's definitely love.

Robby: I've fallen in love with you.
JoJo:

Ugh. Another Rose Ceremony.

Chris Harrison: JoJo knows enough about all of you. No cocktail party tonight. Oh, and btw, three of you bitches are out of here tonight.

Evan: I thought I could come on here and be this amazing guy, but I'm just a loser and I hate myself. 

Also, Grant & Vinny leave, but we felt nothing about them, so #byefelicia.

Something tells me Grant will be just fine.

Guys, I'm going to be real honest: I'm way less into this whole shit show now that Chad is gone. This was a painfully boring episode without him. Chad withdrawals. I'm having them.

Life According to the Chadelorette

Since we are deprived of an episode this week, I thought I would give you a rundown of life of according to the late great Chadelorette. Yes, he will reappear one last time on Monday, but we just really haven't gotten enough quality time with him.

In no particular order, here is life according to Chad.

“If I want JoJo, I will get her.”

"Get the first out of the way. Nobody ever buys the first house they look at."

"You think this is a show. And you think you're safe, for now. But one day, this ends. And when this ends, you go home. When you go home you think I can't find you? You think I won't go out of my way, to come to your house? I'm dead f---ing serious."

"I always warn girls, I always say: stay away from the nice guys."

"Life ain't all blueberries and paper airplanes, you know what I mean?"

"You're starting off a little naggy here. If I'm getting nagged, I'm gonna say something."

"If you're making a protein shake, made of the group of dudes here, and, y'know, blended it up... half that dude-protein-shake would have zero chance with JoJo."

"No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan... for anything... other than to come, like, sweep their front yard."

"I don't want to have to physically fight you, but if there's no way to stop you from saying what you're saying, then I will physically have to hurt you."

"Have a glass of milk, man, and chill out."

"I'm going to cut everyone here's legs off, and arms off, and there's gonna be torsos, and then I'm gonna throw them in the pool."

Chad, we will miss you terribly. Thank you for salvaging this season. 

Cosatto Stroller | Review

This is my favorite stroller ever. Seriously. I mean, here I am doing a product review and you're thinking, "she's being paid to say this." Ok, no. B U Y T H I S S T R O L L E R.

A removable cup holder - there's a latch on either side to attach it to. Decide which side you need to sip your Starbs on, and boom.

Besides the sheer sexiness of this stroller, I am obsessed with everything about this stroller. It's the easiest stow-and-go I've ever seen. I have twins and a 5-year-old - I don't have time to fight with a stroller. I usually only have one hand to do anything, so wrestling a stroller in a parking lot while my 3 scream in their car seats doesn't seem like something I am going to do.

No arm wrestling my Cosatto.

Look at that deep seat. Jett is relaxing like a B O S S with tons of room. The sunshade is huge and could seriously encapsulate him, which was happening during this shoot because he wanted no part of my shenanigans.

The storage is unreal. Deep pockets to hide your mom shit in, a speaker to plug your phone into to bump your gangster rap soothe your baby to sleep, and a netted basket under to store more kid crap that all us moms have.

And dudes! The handles are already high, but they actually extend up even further so you aren't walking around like the effing hunchback of Notre Dame. AND it's maneuverable with one hand. You have never had an stroller as easy to maneuver and steer. It is, hands down, THE BEST STROLLER I'VE EVER HAD.

So, how do you snag one of these BAFM's? Run to Cosatto and pick what you need. There are a million options, and it is such an amazing investment. Follow Cosatto on Instagram and Facebook to stay current with new styles and promos. 

Camping 201

Our summer camping kickoff trip started out like you would think: with crying.

It also started with alcohol. 

Let me paint a picture for you: 1 mom, 3 screaming kids, 1 husband working all weekend before we venture out, 2 days to shop and get all of the camping essentials. I'm tired, I smell, and my family is driving me to a rooftop with a sawed-off shotgun.

After spending 4 hours on meal prep for 3 days for 7 people while Josh ran out for a quick 90-minute Walmart run where I had asked him to pick up potatoes and olive oil, I was over it. I walked into the kitchen with tears streaming down my face. My PMS tantrum was short-lived as I had shit to get done. 

Fast forward to a 90-minute car ride where Jett literally screamed the entire time. Well, he screamed for 85 minutes and then fell asleep as we pulled up to Camp DICK. Literally, that's the name of the campsite. Super fitting. 

As is customary, as soon as we rolled into camp, the downpour ensued. We popped up our tents as quickly as possible, setting up cots and pack-n-plays, trapped inside of a 13'x9' nylon prison with 3 psychos, singing "The Wheels on the Bus" at deafening decibels. As soon as camp was up, the rain stopped, we threw open the nylon flaps and Jax fell 4 times in a row, winning the prize for the first head injury of the trip. 

I want to go home.

But then, we perk up, we drink some girlie drinks and we settle in.

And Maddie settles in to timeout.

It would be sexy if he weren't wearing his mother's hoodie because he forgot his own.

Make this.

Let him sleep for when he wakes he will be pissed AF.

There is always a picture of the two of them that makes me go weak in the knees. This is that one.

We are not morning people.

Maddie made a friend named Derek. He was camping with his grandpa in the spot next to us. We wound up spending the entire day with them. Not how I imagined a family camping trip.

We booked two nights. We stayed one night. Between the cold night, the coughing attacks, and the children who took over our twin-sized cots, only 3 hours of sleep were had by the grown-ups. 

For now, we will stick to overnighters. 

He's not actually drinking coffee, so just back off.

My little Hulk baby.