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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 5

This week, we are in Buenos RRRRRes. Say it like a white girl, JoJo.


Ace Ventura: I couldn't think of a better place to fall in love than BWAYNOS AIRES, ARGENTAYNA. Really? Y'all say that every damn season. Let's see you say that in my town of Greeley, Colorado.


Date with Wells

The lack of chemistry on this date is physically painful. Girlfriend is up in his grill and he can't do it. I have seen more chemistry between my dog & the neighbor dog.

The themes on this date are "kiss me, mofo" & "brute force." They are swimming and writhing around and he finally makes a move.

JoJo, literally, has to congratulate him on being a man. I mean, the connection is just sizzling.

You can see the sweat rolling down their faces. The Bach's budget has, clearly, tanked. 

Shocker: Wells is given the boot. Her facial expressions are on point tho.


Group Date


Since when is a date just walking around? 

James Taylor: I'm not supposed to be here. I'm too boring and ugly.

JoJo: TOE DOUGHS mis boyfriends.

James: I'm heading to I love JoJoVille. No. Get out.

Later, all the cool kids (obvs, minus James Taylor) throw on their leather jackets and drink wine. 

JoJo cannot get close enough to Luke. Literally. Her forearm is rubbing his eggplant, she has her legs draped over his, and she starts licking his tonsils. I feel bad for his gonads later this evening.

The best way to get a girl to crush so hard on you is to bash another guy for an hour. Throw in a pity party and you are golden. 

Covertly, and by covertly I mean so awkward and obvious, JoJo asks Jordan to come talk to her after sucking a lemon. "According to James, you are entitled." 

Jordan: I'm not though.

JoJo: Ok, cool, thanks!

The awkward silence is so fun. James Taylor: Hey, buddy! Did you have fun getting chewed out by JoJo?

Jordan: I am going to swirl my wine glass so fast that it flies out of my hand and breaks in a million pieces on your face. 

JoJo gives the rose to Luke after getting her all hot and bothered.


2-on-1 Date: Chase vs. Jim Halpert

Seriously, I got so sick of looking at the dancer's vagina. Good thing she waxed, but still. Cover that shit up.

JoJo: I'm torn between two men. She's tango-ing between the two of them, which is awkward AF. Jimmy Halpert has a really good "I want to pin you up against a wall" face. Ugh. This scene can't be over fast enough.

Jim is falling for her, seems emotionally stable, and is super cute. 

And yet, she picks Chase who can't seem to express his feelings and is kind of a needy little bitch.

Makes complete sense. 



Rose Ceremony

JoJo gets dressed up in her prom dress for tonight's rose ceremony.

Jordan: I wanna be in love and engaged at the end of this...if it's you, that's cool.

JoJo: OMG. You love me so much.

Instead of spending time with the guys, she needs some space to decided how many of these dudes she has to keep around.

In the end, she chooses all of them after choosing all the guys in tight pants and the hipster haircut. BUT we're not sure why she kept James Taylor around because he's stupid and dumb and whiny. 

Alex: Thanks for the pity rose.