The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 3, Part 2

I need her to dress me. Not in a lesbian way.

Pool Party

We open on Chad apologizing to the guys for being afraid of him. He really means it tho.

Evan: You owe me an apology and a new shirt.
Chad: Ok, I'll give you 20 bucks.

Who's the skinny lifeguard-looking dude who wants "everyone to feel comfortable?"

And the weenie gets a bloody nose as soon as the pool party starts. For the love of gee zus.

While Evan is getting a tampon, Jordan & JoJo are mouth-humping in the courtyard. We really don't need up-close shots where spit is exchanged, ABC.

Chad & Jim Halpert battle. It's just a pissing contest, so I won't bother.

Rose Ceremony

Whatever, whatever. Chad doesn't leave, obvi, because ratings. Some guys named Christian, Nick and Ali leave.

Pennsylvania

When I looked up interesting facts about Pennsylvania, the first fact that came up was that the state insect is the firefly. I typed in "interesting."

I guess people are tired of going to exotic, beautiful islands. 

Date with Luke aka Ace Ventura

The most interesting thing about this date is JoJo's bathing suit, which you can buy here.

JoJo: You're so sexy. How did you get that way?

Ace: My best friend died in Afghanistan. 

JoJo: Was it hard to move on?

Ace: No, it was great. 

Group Date

Before the group date even begins, the best part is that Chad is going on a 2-on-1 with Alex. I'm not ready for Chad to go home. I was hoping for at least a right hook or two before we were forced to say goodbye.

Another sports date. Hey, ABC! Stop being so damn sexist.

Evan: I've never played football before.

All of America: No shit.

Evan gets taken out by a football.

James Taylor (can we not just call him James?) gets a bloody eye. 

Jordan tries to prove he isn't the has-been that he actually is.

The Best 2-on-1 in Bach History

Guys, as I type this, I am so fecking giddy! This is going to be epic. Chad threatened to beat the shit out of Alex yesterday AND that he would go to Jordan's house after the show is over & beat his ass, so this is gon' be A W E S O M E.

JoJo: I don't know how you feel about Chad...

Alex: He's a prick.

JoJo: No way. That is so shocking. I'm so confused.

JoJo: I heard you're threatening people.
Chad: I mean, I haven't hit anyone. 
JoJo: You threatened to beat people.
Chad: Just to get them to shut their mouth. I mean, there's no other way. It's not like you can just talk to someone and have a conversation. Violence is the only answer. 

JoJo's talking head: His mom died, so his violence is perfectly acceptable. I know that, if he ever hit me, it would be my fault because his mom is dead. He's just misunderstood.

The following conversations are pure effing gold.

Chad: I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.
Alex: You're a piece of shit.
Chad: Have a glass of milk.
Alex: I don't like milk.
Chad: Well, you're stupid because milk is delicious.

JoJo: Have you threatened people in the house?
Chad: I mean, it's not 100% false.
JoJo: Alex, please accept this rose. Chad, please accept this restraining order.

While the boys at the mansion rejoice, something inside of me has died. The only thing interesting about this season was Chad.

Chad wonders off into the forest to find the cabin where Alex & JoJo are currently making out.

ABC, you have finally done it! The Bach turned from cheesy romance trash to a horror movie! Bravo!

See you in 2 weeks!

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This blog post is dedicated to Ashley Crawford.

She's not dead or something. She's just a thorn in my side.