The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 4

I'm coming to you live from the Delta terminal at DIA, heading to Young Living's yearly convention, where I will be snuggling Mario Lopez and rocking out to a private LADY ANTEBELLUM concert. #bejealous

As I wait by myself, no husbands, no strollers, no screaming toddlers, I thought it would be a great time to recap this week's shit show.

The boys honor The Chadelorette as they spread his protein powder like ashes as he's creeping through the dark woods like we're suddenly in a slasher film.

They row, but it's the same bullshit we've seen every week, so I won't bother with it.

Essentially, this cocktail party is everyone's last-ditch effort to solidify their rose.

Some guy wrote JoJo a poem (aren't they supposed to rhyme?) and then The Midget interrupts. He's suddenly cocky AF since she chose him over Chad. Have you heard the term "lesser of two evils?"

Ace Ventura confesses he's falling for her at week 4.

Jordan wins with pinning her against the wall and making out, while the boy toys are just on the other side none the wiser. #hot

Evan: I feel like my heart is on blast. 

The poem guy goes byyyyeeeee. I, literally, can't even bother to find out his name.

Jordan's 1-on-1

I was starting to think that The Bach's budget had tanked with their exotic trip to Pennsylvania where the state bug is a fecking firefly. I mean, we're now in Uruguay. Does anyone actually know where this place is?

Jordan: I'm not lying: I'm falling in love with you. 

I know I'd feel really confident when he starts out the statement with "I'm not lying."

JoJo: Thanks. So, I heard you cheated?
Jordan: I didn't tho.
JoJo: Ok, cool. I feel so much better now that we talked.

Tabloid Dramz

I love how all the guys are like OMG. SHE'S NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!! Riiiight. Because your intentions are pure as the driven snow.

When in doubt, cry.

JoJo: OMG, you guys. I'm so sorry. This guy is an asshole. I can't believe he said that.

Also, since when is outside reading material permitted? I thought contestants were only allowed to read Chris Harrison's soft core porn "romance" novel.

Group Date

Sand surfing? WTAF is that? That's not a real thing.

Blah blah blah, Ace. Stop yammering. You care about her. You have deep feelings for her. Relax. We know you want a rose.

Poor Jimmy Halpert is feeling wishy washy about Pam's true feelings for him. Cue the sympathy rose.

Suddenly, this roomful of men has turned into a nursery with a bunch of whiny, bitch babies.

Date with Robby

Whose effing dog is that!? Hope you got your rabies shot, JoJo.

Taco truck dude: You es married?
Robby: Very posible'.
Stop. You're white.

Robby: I know I am in love with her. It's been 4 whole weeks. It's definitely love.

Robby: I've fallen in love with you.
JoJo:

Ugh. Another Rose Ceremony.

Chris Harrison: JoJo knows enough about all of you. No cocktail party tonight. Oh, and btw, three of you bitches are out of here tonight.

Evan: I thought I could come on here and be this amazing guy, but I'm just a loser and I hate myself. 

Also, Grant & Vinny leave, but we felt nothing about them, so #byefelicia.

Something tells me Grant will be just fine.

Guys, I'm going to be real honest: I'm way less into this whole shit show now that Chad is gone. This was a painfully boring episode without him. Chad withdrawals. I'm having them.