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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 3, Part 1

Part 1. F word.


Date with Chase


No. Just no. 

The pelvic thrusting and the guttural noises. I can't. She needs a cue card to remember his name, but they are going to mount each other in the name of yoga.

Chase: How will you remember this?
JoJo: I just will.


What is an episode of the Bachelor/ette without a private concert? Do they even know who Charles Kelley is?


Group Date

Chad: I don't want to go with 12 guys. That's too many guys.
One of the guys: You realize that this is what this show is? 

The cat fight ensues. 

Jordan: Yo mama so stupid it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
Chad: Oh, you wanna battle? You're a 27-year-old failed football player. You've done nothing with your life except throw a piece of leather.
Alex: You're a piece of shit.
Chad: Yeah, well, you're a 25-year-old lady garden. 


The guys have to give their personal vagina monologue. 

Chad: She hasn't earned my sexual repertoire. Who the hell does she think she is?

I won't detail their sexual encounters, but I will give you the key words and phrases that were thrown out: moms walking on them, flaccid, knife, testicle, she's tied up at this point and I always carry a knife with me when I travel, erectile dysfunction.

Pastor E.D. has the balls to get up and call out Chad on his micro penis due to steroid usage.

There's a kerfuffle, a shirt is ripped, and the "come at me bro's" are thrown around like confetti.

Chad hops up on stage. He refuses to give details and says, "it's not about the past; it's all about the future, so now, I will stick my tongue down your throat," and moves in for the kill, but JoJo turns and gives him the cheek and the crowd goes wild. #burn

Chad punches a door, threatens Evan, yada yada yada.


If Evan's not gay, then my mother taught me nothing.


Chad: I'm going to f-ing kill you.
Evan: Bro, it was all in good fun, bro.
Chad: I'm not on steroids, while we watch his veins about ready to burst out of his Hulk skin. 

Kids, this is what we call 'Roid Rage.

Wait. He has kids? Oh, wait. Sorry. They all try women once. Right.

Spoiler alert: Evan gets the pity rose for being bullied.

Evan: Kids, guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo.

I, literally, almost vommed.


Chad: Is this real life? You actually like him?
JoJo: I don't like this side of you, so go ahead and shut the hell up. Byeeeeee.

This is the best hour of television I have ever watched! Chad is the best contestant ever!

LOL. They need a security guard to keep them all safe from Hulk. I love it.


Date with James

JoJo: James is an old soul, so we are dressing up like it's the 40's. #logic

The best part about this boring date is the old woman. I just want her to be my Grandma. And, obviously, the flash mobs. Flash mobs are the best.


Rose Ceremony

Gasp! No cocktail party. All-day pool party instead. This feels very Playboy mansiony.

Evan pulls aside Chris Harrison and I'm pretty sure he's about to make a move.

Evan: Chriiiis, I'm so scared. Hold me.
Chris Harrison: I'll take care of everything. Don't worry. You are safe with me.

Chris Harrison: There's been threats of violence.
Chad: No. Not at all.

Chad's talking head: I'm going to cut all of their legs off and arms, and beat them with them, and it'll just be torsos and I will throw them in the pool and drown them.

And on that happy note, credits roll.

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